John-Paul
@jpkeates.com
A dyslexic genius with a brian the size of a planet.
Retired.
Mostly jokes.
Sixties British male, living in the middle. Slightly left of centre and socially awkward.
#LunchPun #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary
Retired.
Mostly jokes.
Sixties British male, living in the middle. Slightly left of centre and socially awkward.
#LunchPun #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary
Pinned
John-Paul
@jpkeates.com
· Nov 13
Everything started to kick off, and I was about to open a can of whoop-ass, then realised it would be much nicer if I reused some of yesterday’s leftover fresh ass and quickly knocked together a new batch of whoop.
#Joke
#Joke
I've written a Christmas movie in which loving relatives help me woo a girl whose gender preference is for men.
But they won't let me call it "Good kin win cis lass".
#LunchPun
But they won't let me call it "Good kin win cis lass".
#LunchPun
December 3, 2025 at 12:01 PM
I've written a Christmas movie in which loving relatives help me woo a girl whose gender preference is for men.
But they won't let me call it "Good kin win cis lass".
#LunchPun
But they won't let me call it "Good kin win cis lass".
#LunchPun
How unlucky is it if you’re visiting the small town you left to train as a corporate lawyer for the first time since your mom died, and your car breaks down at the end of a driveway that happens to belong to your ex, who’s now the town’s only mechanic, but it’s only December 2nd?
December 2, 2025 at 5:01 PM
How unlucky is it if you’re visiting the small town you left to train as a corporate lawyer for the first time since your mom died, and your car breaks down at the end of a driveway that happens to belong to your ex, who’s now the town’s only mechanic, but it’s only December 2nd?
The secret to any relationship is never going to bed angry. Because, after three days without sleep, you'll probably agree to anything.
December 2, 2025 at 3:30 PM
The secret to any relationship is never going to bed angry. Because, after three days without sleep, you'll probably agree to anything.
Just opened today's new hole on my advent colandar.
December 2, 2025 at 10:55 AM
Just opened today's new hole on my advent colandar.
Reposted by John-Paul
who decided to call it Secret Santa when Nondisclosure Claus was right there
December 1, 2025 at 10:55 PM
who decided to call it Secret Santa when Nondisclosure Claus was right there
Reposted by John-Paul
I was in court for driving home for Christmas. The judge ruled that I lacked the necessary mens rea.
December 16, 2024 at 2:05 PM
I was in court for driving home for Christmas. The judge ruled that I lacked the necessary mens rea.
Reposted by John-Paul
When a high-flying policeman attends a Christmas party, he’s amazed to find his estranged wife working there. Hilarity ensues! Will the chauffeur realise what’s happening upstairs? Will the reporter reveal their past? Will they get back together?
Of course, it's a Christmas movie!
Of course, it's a Christmas movie!
December 17, 2024 at 3:19 PM
When a high-flying policeman attends a Christmas party, he’s amazed to find his estranged wife working there. Hilarity ensues! Will the chauffeur realise what’s happening upstairs? Will the reporter reveal their past? Will they get back together?
Of course, it's a Christmas movie!
Of course, it's a Christmas movie!
December 1, 2025 at 4:26 PM
It's two words, and I'm really angry about this.
December 1, 2025 at 11:53 AM
It's two words, and I'm really angry about this.
Always good to know it's a Bank Holiday in Scotland.
December 1, 2025 at 9:18 AM
Always good to know it's a Bank Holiday in Scotland.
Reposted by John-Paul
How does Batman's mum call him for dinner?
She doesn't because she was brutally murdered in front of her son.
She doesn't because she was brutally murdered in front of her son.
November 28, 2025 at 9:50 AM
How does Batman's mum call him for dinner?
She doesn't because she was brutally murdered in front of her son.
She doesn't because she was brutally murdered in front of her son.
Reposted by John-Paul
And still, there are those who say that Americans can’t do irony.
November 28, 2025 at 7:24 AM
And still, there are those who say that Americans can’t do irony.
Reposted by John-Paul
#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary CATALOGUER: A lumberjack who always lands on his feet.
November 28, 2025 at 7:03 AM
#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary CATALOGUER: A lumberjack who always lands on his feet.
November 26, 2025 at 3:43 PM
I've bought a fantastic app that uses AI. You point your phone at someone, and it reminds you of their name and how you know them. But I can't remember what the app's called or what it looks like.
November 26, 2025 at 3:01 PM
I've bought a fantastic app that uses AI. You point your phone at someone, and it reminds you of their name and how you know them. But I can't remember what the app's called or what it looks like.
Reposted by John-Paul
Every Christmas it's the same old argument.
I say that Die Hard is a Bruce Willis movie and my wife disagrees and claims it's just a movie that happens to have Bruce Willis in it.
I say that Die Hard is a Bruce Willis movie and my wife disagrees and claims it's just a movie that happens to have Bruce Willis in it.
December 23, 2024 at 9:04 AM
Every Christmas it's the same old argument.
I say that Die Hard is a Bruce Willis movie and my wife disagrees and claims it's just a movie that happens to have Bruce Willis in it.
I say that Die Hard is a Bruce Willis movie and my wife disagrees and claims it's just a movie that happens to have Bruce Willis in it.
November 26, 2025 at 11:44 AM
I just wish the “stupid store” would call for me when I was actually in work.
November 25, 2025 at 4:30 AM
I just wish the “stupid store” would call for me when I was actually in work.
November 24, 2025 at 11:44 AM
Although the Americans make big claims about Niagara, it's just a brand name for any waterfall that gives you an erection.
November 24, 2025 at 11:29 AM
Although the Americans make big claims about Niagara, it's just a brand name for any waterfall that gives you an erection.
Reposted by John-Paul
#LunchPun As a police officer I was once called to an aquatic mammals laboratory where some of them had escaped. On arrival I was greeted by a scene of otter chaos.
November 20, 2025 at 12:01 PM
#LunchPun As a police officer I was once called to an aquatic mammals laboratory where some of them had escaped. On arrival I was greeted by a scene of otter chaos.
November 18, 2025 at 12:18 PM
There seems to be a lot more fly-tipping recently. Which is weird, because it's so hard to find flies that're asleep, even though they're really easy to push over.
#LunchPun
#LunchPun
November 17, 2025 at 12:01 PM
There seems to be a lot more fly-tipping recently. Which is weird, because it's so hard to find flies that're asleep, even though they're really easy to push over.
#LunchPun
#LunchPun
Finished my movie about dyslexic zombies who're starving to death because they only live on Brians.
It's called "28 Days Lighter."
#LunchPun
It's called "28 Days Lighter."
#LunchPun
November 14, 2025 at 12:01 PM
Finished my movie about dyslexic zombies who're starving to death because they only live on Brians.
It's called "28 Days Lighter."
#LunchPun
It's called "28 Days Lighter."
#LunchPun