John-Paul
@jpkeates.com
A dyslexic genius with a brian the size of a planet.
Retired.
Mostly jokes.
Sixties British male, living in the middle. Slightly left of centre and socially awkward.
#LunchPun #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary
Retired.
Mostly jokes.
Sixties British male, living in the middle. Slightly left of centre and socially awkward.
#LunchPun #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary
Pinned
John-Paul
@jpkeates.com
· Nov 13
Everything started to kick off, and I was about to open a can of whoop-ass, then realised it would be much nicer if I reused some of yesterday’s leftover fresh ass and quickly knocked together a new batch of whoop.
#Joke
#Joke
Reposted by John-Paul
January 9, 2026 at 11:46 AM
January 8, 2026 at 11:43 AM
January 7, 2026 at 12:01 PM
Repeatedly not being able to get you ball in the hole in golf should be called wedging
January 7, 2026 at 8:06 AM
Repeatedly not being able to get you ball in the hole in golf should be called wedging
January 6, 2026 at 12:01 PM
When you go outside and the figure you built from snow is melting, now surrounded by a pool of water, remember: snowman is an island.
#LunchPun
#LunchPun
January 5, 2026 at 12:01 PM
When you go outside and the figure you built from snow is melting, now surrounded by a pool of water, remember: snowman is an island.
#LunchPun
#LunchPun
January 2, 2026 at 12:01 PM
Hey, Robert Plant, I notice your weird blue rug is covered in fungus and there are insects carrying protein into the Transit.
There’s a crazy azure hall mat littered with mould
and bees flying a stored whey to a van.
#LunchPun
There’s a crazy azure hall mat littered with mould
and bees flying a stored whey to a van.
#LunchPun
January 1, 2026 at 12:01 PM
Hey, Robert Plant, I notice your weird blue rug is covered in fungus and there are insects carrying protein into the Transit.
There’s a crazy azure hall mat littered with mould
and bees flying a stored whey to a van.
#LunchPun
There’s a crazy azure hall mat littered with mould
and bees flying a stored whey to a van.
#LunchPun
The British stole the idea of cultural appropriation from India in the 19th century.
December 31, 2025 at 1:10 PM
The British stole the idea of cultural appropriation from India in the 19th century.
Making a documentary about 1990s movies.
Managed to get the star of Fatal Attraction, but not the guy from Under Siege.
Close, but no Seagal.
#LunchPun
Managed to get the star of Fatal Attraction, but not the guy from Under Siege.
Close, but no Seagal.
#LunchPun
December 31, 2025 at 12:01 PM
Making a documentary about 1990s movies.
Managed to get the star of Fatal Attraction, but not the guy from Under Siege.
Close, but no Seagal.
#LunchPun
Managed to get the star of Fatal Attraction, but not the guy from Under Siege.
Close, but no Seagal.
#LunchPun
Reposted by John-Paul
The swordfish has few predators in the wild, except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
December 30, 2025 at 4:31 PM
The swordfish has few predators in the wild, except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
Reposted by John-Paul
This is still so good.
December 30, 2025 at 10:42 AM
This is still so good.
December 30, 2025 at 12:01 PM
Today is Rudyard Kipling's birthday.
"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
It's definitely time to close that hat factory;
Maybe start making cakes."
"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
It's definitely time to close that hat factory;
Maybe start making cakes."
December 30, 2025 at 9:58 AM
Today is Rudyard Kipling's birthday.
"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
It's definitely time to close that hat factory;
Maybe start making cakes."
"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
It's definitely time to close that hat factory;
Maybe start making cakes."
Having been defined entirely by her relationship to her husband, Lot’s wife’s feeling as she turned to salt was probably one of relief.
December 30, 2025 at 8:58 AM
Having been defined entirely by her relationship to her husband, Lot’s wife’s feeling as she turned to salt was probably one of relief.
December 29, 2025 at 1:36 PM
One gravel voiced singer/songwriter has a winter tourist attraction that’s nearly as popular as his concerts.
Tom Waits four snowmen.
#LunchPun
Tom Waits four snowmen.
#LunchPun
December 29, 2025 at 12:01 PM
One gravel voiced singer/songwriter has a winter tourist attraction that’s nearly as popular as his concerts.
Tom Waits four snowmen.
#LunchPun
Tom Waits four snowmen.
#LunchPun
Looking on the bright side, I'd have enough money to keep me in comfort for the rest of my life, provided I die next Tuesday.
December 28, 2025 at 12:34 PM
Looking on the bright side, I'd have enough money to keep me in comfort for the rest of my life, provided I die next Tuesday.
Inside you are two wolves, but I think next year, we're going to be back to turkey and pigs in blankets.
December 26, 2025 at 2:47 PM
Inside you are two wolves, but I think next year, we're going to be back to turkey and pigs in blankets.
People who deny climate change should have to explain why hell doesn't freeze over anymore, which also ends their slim chances of a date.
December 26, 2025 at 8:58 AM
People who deny climate change should have to explain why hell doesn't freeze over anymore, which also ends their slim chances of a date.
With my new boss, sometimes it’s the carrot, sometimes the stick.
I can’t tell you how much I regret hiding that camera in his bedroom.
I can’t tell you how much I regret hiding that camera in his bedroom.
December 24, 2025 at 4:08 PM
With my new boss, sometimes it’s the carrot, sometimes the stick.
I can’t tell you how much I regret hiding that camera in his bedroom.
I can’t tell you how much I regret hiding that camera in his bedroom.
As a Christian transvestite, Christmas is my time to eat, drink and be Mary.
December 24, 2025 at 1:33 PM
As a Christian transvestite, Christmas is my time to eat, drink and be Mary.