@neilolney.bsky.social
Lost the love of my life, but she always told me to be kind and happy. I’m trying my best.
#LunchPun As a young detective I got called to a murder scene where the killer had misspelled a message written in the victim’s blood? The Forensic Team suspected it was a type-o.
November 12, 2025 at 11:46 AM
#LunchPun As a young detective I got called to a murder scene where the killer had misspelled a message written in the victim’s blood? The Forensic Team suspected it was a type-o.
#LunchPun I once arrested a chap at a Wizard of Oz reenactment for pickpocketing from the people playing the Munchkins. How could anyone stoop so low?
November 11, 2025 at 11:57 AM
#LunchPun I once arrested a chap at a Wizard of Oz reenactment for pickpocketing from the people playing the Munchkins. How could anyone stoop so low?
#LunchPun When I was a police officer I had a friend who joined the Dog Section. The pup he was given to train was a complete and utter extrovert and loved to be the scenter of attention.
November 10, 2025 at 11:38 AM
#LunchPun When I was a police officer I had a friend who joined the Dog Section. The pup he was given to train was a complete and utter extrovert and loved to be the scenter of attention.
#LunchPun In London yesterday and saw a politician leading a group of people pointlessly trying to storm the gates of Downing Street.
Farage of the right brigade?
I didn’t see him but It was a pretty poor effort.
Farage of the right brigade?
I didn’t see him but It was a pretty poor effort.
November 9, 2025 at 1:19 PM
#LunchPun In London yesterday and saw a politician leading a group of people pointlessly trying to storm the gates of Downing Street.
Farage of the right brigade?
I didn’t see him but It was a pretty poor effort.
Farage of the right brigade?
I didn’t see him but It was a pretty poor effort.
#LunchPun I went to a fancy dress party where we had to dress as Russian Kings. One of the party games was to squeeze everyone into a cupboard as the host loved playing Czardines.
November 7, 2025 at 11:57 AM
#LunchPun I went to a fancy dress party where we had to dress as Russian Kings. One of the party games was to squeeze everyone into a cupboard as the host loved playing Czardines.
#LunchPun I used to work for a weird bunch of American gold bullion sellers and every morning after singing their national anthem had to chant “Ingot we trust”.
November 6, 2025 at 11:58 AM
#LunchPun I used to work for a weird bunch of American gold bullion sellers and every morning after singing their national anthem had to chant “Ingot we trust”.
#LunchPun Just watched a load of politicians arguing on BBC1 about the best County Christmas Shows where you can buy dried grapes to add to a Xmas cake. I do like curranty fairs programmes.
November 5, 2025 at 11:44 AM
#LunchPun Just watched a load of politicians arguing on BBC1 about the best County Christmas Shows where you can buy dried grapes to add to a Xmas cake. I do like curranty fairs programmes.
#LunchPun I once met a man who sat at the top of mountains writing 3-line, Japanese poems. It turned out that he was a genius with an incredibly high Haiku.
November 3, 2025 at 11:57 AM
#LunchPun I once met a man who sat at the top of mountains writing 3-line, Japanese poems. It turned out that he was a genius with an incredibly high Haiku.
#LunchPun #sillysaturday During his time in the army, Bob Marley always polished his boots quietly with no one else about...He was a buff alone soldier.
November 1, 2025 at 10:00 AM
#LunchPun #sillysaturday During his time in the army, Bob Marley always polished his boots quietly with no one else about...He was a buff alone soldier.
#LunchPun Went to visit a relative in hospital yesterday, who is a professional baker. I took her some white, brown and self raising, but was turned away as flours were not permitted on the wards.
October 31, 2025 at 11:28 AM
#LunchPun Went to visit a relative in hospital yesterday, who is a professional baker. I took her some white, brown and self raising, but was turned away as flours were not permitted on the wards.
#LunchPun Me and my wife went on a cruise to save our failing marriage, but the ship hit some rocks and sank. We both made it onto different bits of floating wood and in the end we just drifted apart.
October 30, 2025 at 11:55 AM
#LunchPun Me and my wife went on a cruise to save our failing marriage, but the ship hit some rocks and sank. We both made it onto different bits of floating wood and in the end we just drifted apart.
#LunchPun #wednesdaywit I once arrested a man who, together with his girlfriend, had been trying to get money by falsely claiming that they were the main characters from the 80’s show, ‘The ‘X’ Files’. She got away, but he was charged with attempted Mulder.
October 29, 2025 at 11:34 AM
#LunchPun #wednesdaywit I once arrested a man who, together with his girlfriend, had been trying to get money by falsely claiming that they were the main characters from the 80’s show, ‘The ‘X’ Files’. She got away, but he was charged with attempted Mulder.
I think they’ve chosen the wrong chap to sing the new advertising jingle for Kelloggs All Bran.
October 28, 2025 at 4:21 PM
I think they’ve chosen the wrong chap to sing the new advertising jingle for Kelloggs All Bran.
#LunchPun As a police officer I once got seconded to Stockholm to help with an investigation into a number of vampire attacks. I managed to arrest the main offender who said he was only there because he had a Swede tooth.
October 28, 2025 at 11:52 AM
#LunchPun As a police officer I once got seconded to Stockholm to help with an investigation into a number of vampire attacks. I managed to arrest the main offender who said he was only there because he had a Swede tooth.
#LunchPun When the King visited the Vatican, they sold him one of their new, patented tea pots with a painting of the Pontiff on. It is guaranteed not to spill and makes the room smell of fresh flowers. Charles is really pleased with his Pope-pour-ease.
October 24, 2025 at 10:42 AM
#LunchPun When the King visited the Vatican, they sold him one of their new, patented tea pots with a painting of the Pontiff on. It is guaranteed not to spill and makes the room smell of fresh flowers. Charles is really pleased with his Pope-pour-ease.
#LunchPun My mate has bad eyesight, but is very good at spotting items at various distances in heavy snow. As a result he has qualified for the Squinter Olympics.
October 22, 2025 at 10:57 AM
#LunchPun My mate has bad eyesight, but is very good at spotting items at various distances in heavy snow. As a result he has qualified for the Squinter Olympics.
#LunchPun I have designed a range of clothing based on where pigs traditionally live and sleep. Various fashion magazines have called it Stylish.
October 21, 2025 at 11:10 AM
#LunchPun I have designed a range of clothing based on where pigs traditionally live and sleep. Various fashion magazines have called it Stylish.
#LunchPun As a detective, I once investigated the theft of jewellery at an old people’s home. As the manger showed us around an old lady collapsed in front of us and her nightie flew up around her waist. I looked puzzled.
‘Acute angina”
“I don’t care, cover her up”.
‘Acute angina”
“I don’t care, cover her up”.
October 20, 2025 at 10:52 AM
#LunchPun As a detective, I once investigated the theft of jewellery at an old people’s home. As the manger showed us around an old lady collapsed in front of us and her nightie flew up around her waist. I looked puzzled.
‘Acute angina”
“I don’t care, cover her up”.
‘Acute angina”
“I don’t care, cover her up”.
#LunchPun Went down to the beach where the birds are nesting and saw one that was multi-coloured, had 3 legs and two beaks. As I looked at it I felt dizzy and other-worldly. It was a strange Tern.
October 17, 2025 at 10:49 AM
#LunchPun Went down to the beach where the birds are nesting and saw one that was multi-coloured, had 3 legs and two beaks. As I looked at it I felt dizzy and other-worldly. It was a strange Tern.
#LunchPun I was having some diarrhoea issues so I phoned 111 and got speaking to one of those life-like computer interfaces about my problems. The shat-bott was very helpful and easy to use.
October 16, 2025 at 10:57 AM
#LunchPun I was having some diarrhoea issues so I phoned 111 and got speaking to one of those life-like computer interfaces about my problems. The shat-bott was very helpful and easy to use.
#LunchPun The phone in my hotel room rang really early this morning.
“Hello, could you please pour the packet of protein powder at the side of your bed into the mug and put it on the small set of electronic kitchen scales”
Me -“What is this all about?”
“It’s your whey-cup call”
“Hello, could you please pour the packet of protein powder at the side of your bed into the mug and put it on the small set of electronic kitchen scales”
Me -“What is this all about?”
“It’s your whey-cup call”
October 15, 2025 at 10:47 AM
#LunchPun The phone in my hotel room rang really early this morning.
“Hello, could you please pour the packet of protein powder at the side of your bed into the mug and put it on the small set of electronic kitchen scales”
Me -“What is this all about?”
“It’s your whey-cup call”
“Hello, could you please pour the packet of protein powder at the side of your bed into the mug and put it on the small set of electronic kitchen scales”
Me -“What is this all about?”
“It’s your whey-cup call”
#LunchPun Went to a talent night in a pub yesterday. One of the acts was an ex-Russian soldier who was trying to impersonate a great British comedian who used to deliberately muck up his magic act. That said, Commie Trooper wasn’t very good.
October 10, 2025 at 11:15 AM
#LunchPun Went to a talent night in a pub yesterday. One of the acts was an ex-Russian soldier who was trying to impersonate a great British comedian who used to deliberately muck up his magic act. That said, Commie Trooper wasn’t very good.
#LunchPun for her birthday, my niece has decided that she wants a stylish SLR camera that shoots nice pictures in low-light conditions. That said, she doesn’t want anything too flashy.
October 9, 2025 at 10:39 AM
#LunchPun for her birthday, my niece has decided that she wants a stylish SLR camera that shoots nice pictures in low-light conditions. That said, she doesn’t want anything too flashy.