Who made this 🤣

HOW does this person write SO MUCH I don’t know how they DO it—

Wikipedia: born to investment bankers on the floating island of elysium, this author

Overheard:

SMALL BOY AT BOOKSTORE: I gotta close my eyes!

MOM (BROWSING): Why?

BOY: Because Taylor Swift’s face is on a book!

MOM: Okay?

BOY (YELLING): She’s MEDUSA!!!! If I look at her, she’ll turn me to STONE!!!!

MOM: Oh…

I tell u, it took everything I had not to spin around & UNPACK THAT

I get up ONCE before 10AM on a weekend and I’m like, “Guess I’m an early bird now! I’m leaning into the Power of Habit! I am prepared to succeed!”

(This is why ppl don’t like early birds.)

We can’t even have pores anymore. That’s how I know we’re finished! PORES.

Aww he thinks Head Incel is an official government position 🥹

Leaving a note saying “Wish you were here ❤️❤️❤️” at the reception desk for the doctor who didn’t show up to my appointment today. It’s important to show people you value them!

made me lol even before I realized this is happening in Oregon (ofc)

Very anti-racist of them to finally label a white boy a terrorist. The nation is healing.

Stephen King was unhappy with the film adaptation of The Shining because he felt that Stanley Kubrick had ignored the key themes of a deeply personal novel based on King’s own struggle with ghosts in a crazy hotel

All pleasures are guilty pleasures if you have high enough anxiety

Jesus. Posted on Reddit under "United healthcare denial reasons"

Almost swiped right on a guy who said he was “dead inside” because I thought we’d have a lot in common

One more app and I’m gonna lose my mind. Don’t get me wrong — I’ll download it and open it almost constantly, if that’s what we’re all doing, but not before *LOSING MY MIND.* Anyway, hey