Reposted by Brettagher
Told my kid this was a vagina…
May 27, 2025 at 6:33 PM
Told my kid this was a vagina…
Do you have to be so fucking crass?
April 1, 2025 at 6:04 PM
Do you have to be so fucking crass?
Me: *to the bartender* An order of French fries--make it a double. And leave the menu.
March 15, 2025 at 2:22 AM
Me: *to the bartender* An order of French fries--make it a double. And leave the menu.
Look at us arrogant humans. Walking around like we understand the word "prerogative" outside the context of that Bobby Brown song....
March 12, 2025 at 4:52 PM
Look at us arrogant humans. Walking around like we understand the word "prerogative" outside the context of that Bobby Brown song....
Reposted by Brettagher
Improve the taste of the treat
March 12, 2025 at 4:46 PM
Improve the taste of the treat
Gastroenterologist: Did you take the prep drink?
Me: Uhh... Yeah!
*2 hours later*
Gastroenterologist: You asshole!!
Me: Uhh... Yeah!
*2 hours later*
Gastroenterologist: You asshole!!
March 12, 2025 at 2:45 AM
Gastroenterologist: Did you take the prep drink?
Me: Uhh... Yeah!
*2 hours later*
Gastroenterologist: You asshole!!
Me: Uhh... Yeah!
*2 hours later*
Gastroenterologist: You asshole!!
Matilda is just Carrie for 8 y/os.
March 4, 2025 at 4:23 AM
Matilda is just Carrie for 8 y/os.
The law of the universe dictates that your flight is delayed only when you're on time to the airport, never when you're late.
February 19, 2025 at 7:18 PM
The law of the universe dictates that your flight is delayed only when you're on time to the airport, never when you're late.
The Phantom began his career haunting a comedy club, but quickly changed venues once he realized that Phantom of the Opera had far more gravitas than Phantom of the Yuk-Yuk Hut.
February 17, 2025 at 7:31 PM
The Phantom began his career haunting a comedy club, but quickly changed venues once he realized that Phantom of the Opera had far more gravitas than Phantom of the Yuk-Yuk Hut.
3 y/o daughter: Daddy, why don't people poop standing up?
Me: 🤔 Why is it taking me so long to think of an answer?
Me: 🤔 Why is it taking me so long to think of an answer?
February 14, 2025 at 12:37 AM
3 y/o daughter: Daddy, why don't people poop standing up?
Me: 🤔 Why is it taking me so long to think of an answer?
Me: 🤔 Why is it taking me so long to think of an answer?
I'll only support a Back to the Future remake if they change it so that Marty goes all the way with his mom, and Marvin Berry, who's watching, phones Jerry Lee Lewis saying, "Jerry! You know that new kind of taboo relationship you're looking for?? Well listen to this!"
February 13, 2025 at 12:09 AM
I'll only support a Back to the Future remake if they change it so that Marty goes all the way with his mom, and Marvin Berry, who's watching, phones Jerry Lee Lewis saying, "Jerry! You know that new kind of taboo relationship you're looking for?? Well listen to this!"
Reposted by Brettagher
At my funeral there’ll be a 37 minute montage of me trying to find something to watch on Netflix
November 27, 2024 at 11:53 AM
At my funeral there’ll be a 37 minute montage of me trying to find something to watch on Netflix
"You took everything from me!!" I said, violently shaking the claw machine.
February 12, 2025 at 1:01 AM
"You took everything from me!!" I said, violently shaking the claw machine.
"Then it's settled. We'll insert our best ideas into the end of the song as it fades out." --musicians, I guess 🤷🏻♂️
February 11, 2025 at 8:46 PM
"Then it's settled. We'll insert our best ideas into the end of the song as it fades out." --musicians, I guess 🤷🏻♂️
Reposted by Brettagher
[gas station attendant pulls the premium pump out and lets me sniff the nozzle] *I nod*
February 8, 2025 at 10:38 PM
[gas station attendant pulls the premium pump out and lets me sniff the nozzle] *I nod*
Reposted by Brettagher
The snow storm did not bring me 8 inches and I’m disappointed…..
February 6, 2025 at 7:24 PM
The snow storm did not bring me 8 inches and I’m disappointed…..
Me, trying to convince myself to leave work early on a Friday.
a woman wearing a mask says you do n't owe these people anymore
ALT: a woman wearing a mask says you do n't owe these people anymore
media.tenor.com
February 5, 2025 at 1:16 PM
Me, trying to convince myself to leave work early on a Friday.
Welcome to your 40's. You're still slightly hungover from that work happy hour thing you attended 2 weeks ago.
February 5, 2025 at 12:42 AM
Welcome to your 40's. You're still slightly hungover from that work happy hour thing you attended 2 weeks ago.
Wife: The landlord just stopped by. We're getting evicted!
Me: ... Probably AI.
Me: ... Probably AI.
February 4, 2025 at 2:08 AM
Wife: The landlord just stopped by. We're getting evicted!
Me: ... Probably AI.
Me: ... Probably AI.
"Results may vary."
--dice instructions
--dice instructions
February 3, 2025 at 9:08 PM
"Results may vary."
--dice instructions
--dice instructions
Them: Tariffs are going to drive prices through the roof starting tomorrow!
Me: Good thing I bought my Dr. Scholl's inserts yesterday....
Me: Good thing I bought my Dr. Scholl's inserts yesterday....
February 3, 2025 at 4:14 AM
Them: Tariffs are going to drive prices through the roof starting tomorrow!
Me: Good thing I bought my Dr. Scholl's inserts yesterday....
Me: Good thing I bought my Dr. Scholl's inserts yesterday....
I'll sleep when you're dead.
February 2, 2025 at 5:04 PM
I'll sleep when you're dead.
Wolverine must save a butt-ton of money on personal insurance.
January 31, 2025 at 6:08 PM
Wolverine must save a butt-ton of money on personal insurance.
*Angel whispers in God's ear*
God: He what?! I specifically told him NOT to eat those apples! That's it, I'm moving his g-spot into his anus.
God: He what?! I specifically told him NOT to eat those apples! That's it, I'm moving his g-spot into his anus.
January 29, 2025 at 6:32 PM
*Angel whispers in God's ear*
God: He what?! I specifically told him NOT to eat those apples! That's it, I'm moving his g-spot into his anus.
God: He what?! I specifically told him NOT to eat those apples! That's it, I'm moving his g-spot into his anus.
PSA: "Gunt" is not a valid word in Scrabble.
January 26, 2025 at 5:01 PM
PSA: "Gunt" is not a valid word in Scrabble.