me passing someone: u slow bitch

me being passed: ok speed racer

I quit smoking thirteen years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel on the balcony.

me: where would you like to eat?

wife: i dont care, you pick

my sound effects guy: *sad trombone*

me: leonard, please, not right now

Wow babe are you a fossil fuel because I do not like your energy

[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]

me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit

oh, you’re “egging my house?” thanks for breakfast dumbass

Any black week offers on elevators @kone, @schindler ?