eating spaghetti while driving a car, hands free, and reciting frank zappa’s welcome to the united states from memory as two hundred cars decide which lane they want to be in

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier

welp after 10+ years of jelqing I finally yanked my shit clean off

*looking around* i was an honor roll student for this?

going to the candy store and just licking everything

If the feral cats are chanting in Latin, notify security immediately.

There’s no escaping Beowulf

oh are we rebirthing archetypes?

it's going to be a very spooky semester

me: so much of everything is effort such that thinking and feeling are really just 1% of life

you: avoiding meal prep again, huh?

all timer

I'm so tired of all this left and right bullshit. let's all just drive on the middle of the road

i’m back but not like slim shady