Schmuck In A Truck
@schmuckinatruck.bsky.social
schmuchonahorse on Twitter. Named the account here what I should have over there at the start.
For all you know, your toilet is a sentient being, and just as sick of your shit as the rest of us,
August 18, 2025 at 10:41 PM
For all you know, your toilet is a sentient being, and just as sick of your shit as the rest of us,
The person you are when your dog licks his ass in front of guests is the real you.
August 18, 2025 at 10:41 PM
The person you are when your dog licks his ass in front of guests is the real you.
What if that dream you had as a kid where your dad was burying the babysitter in the yard wasn't a dream at all?
August 18, 2025 at 10:40 PM
What if that dream you had as a kid where your dad was burying the babysitter in the yard wasn't a dream at all?
You look like the kind of guy that posts a thumbs-up pic in Teams while your wife is in labor.
August 18, 2025 at 10:39 PM
You look like the kind of guy that posts a thumbs-up pic in Teams while your wife is in labor.
If I ever die with a raging boner, I hope the EMTs hang a little flag off of it to lighten the mood.
At half staff, of course.
At half staff, of course.
August 18, 2025 at 10:39 PM
If I ever die with a raging boner, I hope the EMTs hang a little flag off of it to lighten the mood.
At half staff, of course.
At half staff, of course.
I don't know who needs to hear this, but adopting a dog is cheaper than therapy.
August 18, 2025 at 10:35 PM
I don't know who needs to hear this, but adopting a dog is cheaper than therapy.
If it's not from the Tarifa region of Spain, it's just a sparkling import tax on your own people.
March 14, 2025 at 2:00 PM
If it's not from the Tarifa region of Spain, it's just a sparkling import tax on your own people.
Find you a girl who'll love you more for saving 50% by buying her chocolates tomorrow.
February 15, 2025 at 3:28 AM
Find you a girl who'll love you more for saving 50% by buying her chocolates tomorrow.
Reposted by Schmuck In A Truck
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god.....can you tell her
February 12, 2025 at 2:30 PM
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god.....can you tell her
Reposted by Schmuck In A Truck
i saw my wife eating grape nuts with my ice cream eating spoon and i’m having a hard time with it. that spoon is for fun only
February 12, 2025 at 12:40 PM
i saw my wife eating grape nuts with my ice cream eating spoon and i’m having a hard time with it. that spoon is for fun only
People that open the microwave early and don't clear the timer are why we can't have nice things.
February 12, 2025 at 5:21 PM
People that open the microwave early and don't clear the timer are why we can't have nice things.
Autocorrect changed it to "Good Moron" and I left it that way because it knows my true feelings about the recipient.
February 12, 2025 at 5:20 PM
Autocorrect changed it to "Good Moron" and I left it that way because it knows my true feelings about the recipient.
Ahab was right. That stupid fish had it coming.
February 9, 2025 at 5:44 PM
Ahab was right. That stupid fish had it coming.
Don't order the Chef's Surprise from a waiter wearing a trench coat.
February 9, 2025 at 5:44 PM
Don't order the Chef's Surprise from a waiter wearing a trench coat.
Reposted by Schmuck In A Truck
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
February 3, 2025 at 3:07 PM
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
The Cheesecake Factory doesn't look like a factory at all.
February 3, 2025 at 3:23 PM
The Cheesecake Factory doesn't look like a factory at all.
Pizza is a vibe. Pasta is a mood. Parmesan is forever.
February 2, 2025 at 9:40 PM
Pizza is a vibe. Pasta is a mood. Parmesan is forever.
Reposted by Schmuck In A Truck
if i could save time in a butthole 🎶
February 1, 2025 at 1:56 AM
if i could save time in a butthole 🎶
Reposted by Schmuck In A Truck
my toxic trait is correcting people when they say less instead of fewer
January 31, 2025 at 11:59 PM
my toxic trait is correcting people when they say less instead of fewer
They're so thicc that they should be called manatease.
January 31, 2025 at 4:04 PM
They're so thicc that they should be called manatease.
If I tell you to back that ass up, please don't make the beeping noises.
January 29, 2025 at 3:15 PM
If I tell you to back that ass up, please don't make the beeping noises.
There are lots of things I find to be detestable that people enjoy. They're all wrong, of course.
January 28, 2025 at 4:55 PM
There are lots of things I find to be detestable that people enjoy. They're all wrong, of course.
Apparently, they don't do digital prostate exams anymore, so I waxed my pooper for nothing.
January 28, 2025 at 4:54 PM
Apparently, they don't do digital prostate exams anymore, so I waxed my pooper for nothing.
Reposted by Schmuck In A Truck
[1978]
ME: Do you think I could be president?
MY DAD: Sure, anyone can. You just have to work hard, be honest, focus on your education and always put other people's needs and interests ahead of your own.
[2025]
MY SON: Do you think I could be president?
ME: Sure, anyone can.
ME: Do you think I could be president?
MY DAD: Sure, anyone can. You just have to work hard, be honest, focus on your education and always put other people's needs and interests ahead of your own.
[2025]
MY SON: Do you think I could be president?
ME: Sure, anyone can.
January 24, 2025 at 7:27 PM
[1978]
ME: Do you think I could be president?
MY DAD: Sure, anyone can. You just have to work hard, be honest, focus on your education and always put other people's needs and interests ahead of your own.
[2025]
MY SON: Do you think I could be president?
ME: Sure, anyone can.
ME: Do you think I could be president?
MY DAD: Sure, anyone can. You just have to work hard, be honest, focus on your education and always put other people's needs and interests ahead of your own.
[2025]
MY SON: Do you think I could be president?
ME: Sure, anyone can.
Reposted by Schmuck In A Truck
hot writers near you want to debate the merits of the oxford comma
January 24, 2025 at 4:29 PM
hot writers near you want to debate the merits of the oxford comma