I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

I think Pete Davidson just texts back real quick

When I said. “Lie on the bed for a few minutes and let these ear drops do their work” obviously I meant “this is a great time to perform Little Mermaid karaoke”

“Every kid has a brand.” -overheard last night.

If this isn’t accurate AF.

sometimes I get followed on social media by serious people with jobs that matter and I'm like... sorry, I can't engage with you on that level. do you wanna see a pig eat a watermelon

I noticed my husband seemed happy so I commented on it and now his happiness is ruined.

When you engage in some self-care and it doesn't immediately solve all of your problems

FINISHED MY FIRST GRIMACE SHAKE AND I CAN FEEL THE FORCE OF A THOUSAND GRIMACES COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS I AM MORE POWERFUL THAN EVER GRIMACE IS SENTIENT GRIMACE IS LEGION

My son told me last night that he didn’t want lobster because he didn’t think eating animals was very nice.

“I’ll just have chicken instead.”

No, honestly, I’m glad I’ve joined, I’ve been meaning to spend less time with my family.

Wanna feel old? Star Wars came out 60 years ago this summer

Marriage is so weird. Like, how can I feel such blind rage towards someone who doesn’t put his clothes in the laundry hamper while simultaneously have him be the only person in the world I trust to search my entire body for ticks.

I love the folks that need to pick up a prescription and just one other thing.

Antibiotics and a mixed nuts

Steroid Cream and half and half

Pain Killers and a potato

My six year old is watching a YouTube video about a topic that I happen to have a lot of interest in, and I asked him if he knew that I love this topic. He said, "I don't really know you that much" sir I -

My kid just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.