[Me as a police detective]
COP: My god, you just dropped that guy into a trash compactor!
ME: Looks like he *dramatically putting on sunglasses* won't be testifying in the big trial oh wow I really messed up guys
COP: My god, you just dropped that guy into a trash compactor!
ME: Looks like he *dramatically putting on sunglasses* won't be testifying in the big trial oh wow I really messed up guys
September 26, 2025 at 4:47 PM
[Me as a police detective]
COP: My god, you just dropped that guy into a trash compactor!
ME: Looks like he *dramatically putting on sunglasses* won't be testifying in the big trial oh wow I really messed up guys
COP: My god, you just dropped that guy into a trash compactor!
ME: Looks like he *dramatically putting on sunglasses* won't be testifying in the big trial oh wow I really messed up guys
Reposted by Andrew Fowler
Me: Should I eat burritos for the third night in a row
Magic 8 Ball: MY REPLY IS NO
Me: Burritos it is
Magic 8 Ball: MY REPLY IS NO
Me: Burritos it is
January 9, 2025 at 10:06 PM
Me: Should I eat burritos for the third night in a row
Magic 8 Ball: MY REPLY IS NO
Me: Burritos it is
Magic 8 Ball: MY REPLY IS NO
Me: Burritos it is
Why was U afraid of X?
Cause X GON' GIVE IT TO U
Cause X GON' GIVE IT TO U
September 16, 2025 at 7:51 PM
Why was U afraid of X?
Cause X GON' GIVE IT TO U
Cause X GON' GIVE IT TO U
Reposted by Andrew Fowler
the reason you shouldn't yell "fire" in a theater is because i am trying to watch a movie
August 8, 2025 at 3:20 AM
the reason you shouldn't yell "fire" in a theater is because i am trying to watch a movie
Reposted by Andrew Fowler
If the Trader Joe’s crew member doesn’t say, “ooh these are really good,” about several of your items as they ring them up, you have completely blown it as a customer
July 29, 2025 at 4:03 PM
If the Trader Joe’s crew member doesn’t say, “ooh these are really good,” about several of your items as they ring them up, you have completely blown it as a customer
Reposted by Andrew Fowler
me seeing friend buying two hot dogs: two huh? ol double dog. the two dog kid.
friend who remembers when I tried to eat healthy in 2017: ok lentils
friend who remembers when I tried to eat healthy in 2017: ok lentils
July 23, 2025 at 3:50 PM
me seeing friend buying two hot dogs: two huh? ol double dog. the two dog kid.
friend who remembers when I tried to eat healthy in 2017: ok lentils
friend who remembers when I tried to eat healthy in 2017: ok lentils
Reposted by Andrew Fowler
I like my coffee like I like my women: Full of human bones
November 22, 2024 at 10:24 PM
I like my coffee like I like my women: Full of human bones
WIFE: Look I don't want to talk about this
ME: Our marriage is in trouble, you can't just roll over and play dead, Sharon
ALEXA: Okay, playing Ed Sheeran
ME: Our marriage is in trouble, you can't just roll over and play dead, Sharon
ALEXA: Okay, playing Ed Sheeran
July 2, 2025 at 6:38 PM
WIFE: Look I don't want to talk about this
ME: Our marriage is in trouble, you can't just roll over and play dead, Sharon
ALEXA: Okay, playing Ed Sheeran
ME: Our marriage is in trouble, you can't just roll over and play dead, Sharon
ALEXA: Okay, playing Ed Sheeran
F. SCOTT FITZGERALD: so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past
TATTOO ARTIST: ...
TATTOO ARTIST: ...
June 20, 2025 at 9:36 PM
F. SCOTT FITZGERALD: so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past
TATTOO ARTIST: ...
TATTOO ARTIST: ...
Reposted by Andrew Fowler
My brother was in a class once and a guy who needed a piece of paper asked him "dude, can I borrow a slice of pape?" and that's how my brother met the coolest person who ever lived
November 15, 2024 at 9:20 PM
My brother was in a class once and a guy who needed a piece of paper asked him "dude, can I borrow a slice of pape?" and that's how my brother met the coolest person who ever lived
ME: *pistol in my belt* You think I can throw four silver dollars in the air and shoot them all?
WIFE: *watching Friends* Whatever
TV: 🎶 So no one told you life was gonna be this waaaay 🎶
ME: *throwing the coins*
WIFE: *watching Friends* Whatever
TV: 🎶 So no one told you life was gonna be this waaaay 🎶
ME: *throwing the coins*
March 18, 2025 at 11:17 PM
ME: *pistol in my belt* You think I can throw four silver dollars in the air and shoot them all?
WIFE: *watching Friends* Whatever
TV: 🎶 So no one told you life was gonna be this waaaay 🎶
ME: *throwing the coins*
WIFE: *watching Friends* Whatever
TV: 🎶 So no one told you life was gonna be this waaaay 🎶
ME: *throwing the coins*
Reposted by Andrew Fowler
more lessons = less morons
March 13, 2025 at 4:30 PM
more lessons = less morons
Reposted by Andrew Fowler
THE ANAGRAM KILLER: If you ever want to see your family again, you have ten seconds to anagram the word... "dictation"
ME: *sobbing* I can't do it
ME: *sobbing* I can't do it
November 15, 2024 at 9:23 PM
THE ANAGRAM KILLER: If you ever want to see your family again, you have ten seconds to anagram the word... "dictation"
ME: *sobbing* I can't do it
ME: *sobbing* I can't do it
Reposted by Andrew Fowler
roses are red
violets are blue
if you ignore the first line
this is a haiku
violets are blue
if you ignore the first line
this is a haiku
February 14, 2025 at 5:21 PM
roses are red
violets are blue
if you ignore the first line
this is a haiku
violets are blue
if you ignore the first line
this is a haiku
Reposted by Andrew Fowler
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we're both still single at 40 we'll hunt each other for sport
January 11, 2025 at 11:37 PM
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we're both still single at 40 we'll hunt each other for sport
Reposted by Andrew Fowler
me: hey how's it goin
them: not much you
me: that's nice
them: i will
me: you too
them: not much you
me: that's nice
them: i will
me: you too
January 9, 2025 at 7:35 PM
me: hey how's it goin
them: not much you
me: that's nice
them: i will
me: you too
them: not much you
me: that's nice
them: i will
me: you too
Me: Should I eat burritos for the third night in a row
Magic 8 Ball: MY REPLY IS NO
Me: Burritos it is
Magic 8 Ball: MY REPLY IS NO
Me: Burritos it is
January 9, 2025 at 10:06 PM
Me: Should I eat burritos for the third night in a row
Magic 8 Ball: MY REPLY IS NO
Me: Burritos it is
Magic 8 Ball: MY REPLY IS NO
Me: Burritos it is
ME: Okay so, funny story, I thought "deadly sins" meant you had to do them or you die
ST. PETER: Yeah we were all wondering
ST. PETER: Yeah we were all wondering
January 5, 2025 at 4:44 PM
ME: Okay so, funny story, I thought "deadly sins" meant you had to do them or you die
ST. PETER: Yeah we were all wondering
ST. PETER: Yeah we were all wondering
FRIEND: It says here scientists have discovered the toughest man on Earth
ME: Hold my beer. The cold is hurting my fingers
ME: Hold my beer. The cold is hurting my fingers
January 2, 2025 at 4:09 PM
FRIEND: It says here scientists have discovered the toughest man on Earth
ME: Hold my beer. The cold is hurting my fingers
ME: Hold my beer. The cold is hurting my fingers
Reposted by Andrew Fowler
Took down the tree (roundhouse kick)
December 30, 2024 at 10:28 PM
Took down the tree (roundhouse kick)
[hard-boiled detective voice-over] I arrived at the opossum's funeral -- nobody was buying it
December 20, 2024 at 3:59 PM
[hard-boiled detective voice-over] I arrived at the opossum's funeral -- nobody was buying it
Reposted by Andrew Fowler
accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm
December 15, 2024 at 7:20 PM
accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm
[Me as a Musketeer]
*I chop the chandelier down with my sword and ride the rope up to the ceiling, then I'm just stuck up there*
*I chop the chandelier down with my sword and ride the rope up to the ceiling, then I'm just stuck up there*
December 14, 2024 at 10:15 PM
[Me as a Musketeer]
*I chop the chandelier down with my sword and ride the rope up to the ceiling, then I'm just stuck up there*
*I chop the chandelier down with my sword and ride the rope up to the ceiling, then I'm just stuck up there*
Reposted by Andrew Fowler
at the train station intercepting blown kisses and spiking them into the ground
December 14, 2024 at 9:11 PM
at the train station intercepting blown kisses and spiking them into the ground
Reposted by Andrew Fowler
time to rate some sums of money
$100: classic amount of money
$0.55: not very much
$320.13: not bad
$2.02: i think you can do a little better than that, don't you
$74,000,000: huge amount of money
$74,000,100: just when i thought it couldn't get any better!
$16: sure
-$7230: you GOTTA be kidding me
$100: classic amount of money
$0.55: not very much
$320.13: not bad
$2.02: i think you can do a little better than that, don't you
$74,000,000: huge amount of money
$74,000,100: just when i thought it couldn't get any better!
$16: sure
-$7230: you GOTTA be kidding me
December 13, 2024 at 2:28 AM
time to rate some sums of money
$100: classic amount of money
$0.55: not very much
$320.13: not bad
$2.02: i think you can do a little better than that, don't you
$74,000,000: huge amount of money
$74,000,100: just when i thought it couldn't get any better!
$16: sure
-$7230: you GOTTA be kidding me
$100: classic amount of money
$0.55: not very much
$320.13: not bad
$2.02: i think you can do a little better than that, don't you
$74,000,000: huge amount of money
$74,000,100: just when i thought it couldn't get any better!
$16: sure
-$7230: you GOTTA be kidding me