Australian Groan
@australiangroan.bsky.social
I told my wife that when I die, she has to print out a collection of my favourite dad jokes to hand out at my funeral.
I'm here to share my favorites and collect new ones.
I'm here to share my favorites and collect new ones.
Reposted by Australian Groan
Neurologist diagnosing man who had lost the ability to do basic math. "What's 9 plus 9?" "12". "What's 8 and 8?" "10". The doctor shook his head. "Very interesting. What's 6 times 5?" The man thought for a second and answered "1E". "Aha, I've figured it out!" The doctor said. "You've been hexed."
February 18, 2026 at 7:23 PM
Neurologist diagnosing man who had lost the ability to do basic math. "What's 9 plus 9?" "12". "What's 8 and 8?" "10". The doctor shook his head. "Very interesting. What's 6 times 5?" The man thought for a second and answered "1E". "Aha, I've figured it out!" The doctor said. "You've been hexed."
I've just joined a brass band, I keep borrowing everybody else's instruments though.
I've never been one to blow my own trumpet…
I've never been one to blow my own trumpet…
February 16, 2026 at 7:03 PM
I've just joined a brass band, I keep borrowing everybody else's instruments though.
I've never been one to blow my own trumpet…
I've never been one to blow my own trumpet…
Clones are people two.
February 15, 2026 at 8:25 PM
Clones are people two.
Reposted by Australian Groan
I took my dog to the lake today and noticed he floats very well. He's a very good buoy.
February 13, 2026 at 7:31 AM
I took my dog to the lake today and noticed he floats very well. He's a very good buoy.
Shakespeare wrote a play called "Julius, grab the girl quickly before she gets away", but he thought the title was too long.
So he called it Julius Caesar.
So he called it Julius Caesar.
February 12, 2026 at 9:32 PM
Shakespeare wrote a play called "Julius, grab the girl quickly before she gets away", but he thought the title was too long.
So he called it Julius Caesar.
So he called it Julius Caesar.
So drunk last night, I tried to chat up a Ventriloquists dummy.
She wooden go out with me.
I later found out she was spoken for.
She wooden go out with me.
I later found out she was spoken for.
February 11, 2026 at 8:35 PM
So drunk last night, I tried to chat up a Ventriloquists dummy.
She wooden go out with me.
I later found out she was spoken for.
She wooden go out with me.
I later found out she was spoken for.
I was at the beach yesterday. I was swimming when I had a hypoglycaemic attack!
I almost didn't make it but a man threw me a small round sweet lolly and everything thing was ok.
It was a lifesaver
I almost didn't make it but a man threw me a small round sweet lolly and everything thing was ok.
It was a lifesaver
February 11, 2026 at 8:27 PM
I was at the beach yesterday. I was swimming when I had a hypoglycaemic attack!
I almost didn't make it but a man threw me a small round sweet lolly and everything thing was ok.
It was a lifesaver
I almost didn't make it but a man threw me a small round sweet lolly and everything thing was ok.
It was a lifesaver
Doctor doctor , I think my girlfriend is starting to hallucinate!
She told me she has been seeing other people.
She told me she has been seeing other people.
February 10, 2026 at 9:16 PM
Doctor doctor , I think my girlfriend is starting to hallucinate!
She told me she has been seeing other people.
She told me she has been seeing other people.
I have a friend who sings in the car, but only when I'm reversing.
He's my backup singer!
He's my backup singer!
February 10, 2026 at 2:20 AM
I have a friend who sings in the car, but only when I'm reversing.
He's my backup singer!
He's my backup singer!
I've been receiving lots of unsolicited brochures in the mail trying to get me to buy Chinese boats.
I hate getting junk mail.
I hate getting junk mail.
February 7, 2026 at 8:50 PM
I've been receiving lots of unsolicited brochures in the mail trying to get me to buy Chinese boats.
I hate getting junk mail.
I hate getting junk mail.
I just got off a QANTAS flight to Sydney .
During the flight , the hostess offered a pair of complimentary earphones .
I plugged them in and suddenly a soft voice said "You are awesome! That outfit looks great on you, you are really looking great today "
During the flight , the hostess offered a pair of complimentary earphones .
I plugged them in and suddenly a soft voice said "You are awesome! That outfit looks great on you, you are really looking great today "
February 6, 2026 at 8:36 PM
I just got off a QANTAS flight to Sydney .
During the flight , the hostess offered a pair of complimentary earphones .
I plugged them in and suddenly a soft voice said "You are awesome! That outfit looks great on you, you are really looking great today "
During the flight , the hostess offered a pair of complimentary earphones .
I plugged them in and suddenly a soft voice said "You are awesome! That outfit looks great on you, you are really looking great today "
Wife: are we gonna talk about the elephant in the room?
Me: [points at octopus I just bought] that’s an octopus.
Wife: it’s a figure of speech.
Me: [checks receipt] no. it’s definitely an octopus.
Me: [points at octopus I just bought] that’s an octopus.
Wife: it’s a figure of speech.
Me: [checks receipt] no. it’s definitely an octopus.
February 5, 2026 at 8:45 PM
Wife: are we gonna talk about the elephant in the room?
Me: [points at octopus I just bought] that’s an octopus.
Wife: it’s a figure of speech.
Me: [checks receipt] no. it’s definitely an octopus.
Me: [points at octopus I just bought] that’s an octopus.
Wife: it’s a figure of speech.
Me: [checks receipt] no. it’s definitely an octopus.
A computer hacker managed to escape from the police.
He just ransomware.
He just ransomware.
February 4, 2026 at 8:44 PM
A computer hacker managed to escape from the police.
He just ransomware.
He just ransomware.
I have a really good Tupperware joke.
But the punchline doesn’t fit - it’s from another Tupperware joke...
But the punchline doesn’t fit - it’s from another Tupperware joke...
February 3, 2026 at 9:36 PM
I have a really good Tupperware joke.
But the punchline doesn’t fit - it’s from another Tupperware joke...
But the punchline doesn’t fit - it’s from another Tupperware joke...
A man went bobsleighing in Canada
The police caught him after he killed 5
The police caught him after he killed 5
February 3, 2026 at 9:36 PM
A man went bobsleighing in Canada
The police caught him after he killed 5
The police caught him after he killed 5
At the paint store :
"My wife wants the walls to be ochre."
"Does she want dark ochre or light ochre?"
"I don't know. Maybe something in between?"
"Oh. She wants medi ochre."
"My wife wants the walls to be ochre."
"Does she want dark ochre or light ochre?"
"I don't know. Maybe something in between?"
"Oh. She wants medi ochre."
February 2, 2026 at 8:38 PM
At the paint store :
"My wife wants the walls to be ochre."
"Does she want dark ochre or light ochre?"
"I don't know. Maybe something in between?"
"Oh. She wants medi ochre."
"My wife wants the walls to be ochre."
"Does she want dark ochre or light ochre?"
"I don't know. Maybe something in between?"
"Oh. She wants medi ochre."
If someone who eats only vegetables is a vegetarian…
I’m almost afraid to ask…
What does a humanitarian eat?
I’m almost afraid to ask…
What does a humanitarian eat?
January 29, 2026 at 9:08 PM
If someone who eats only vegetables is a vegetarian…
I’m almost afraid to ask…
What does a humanitarian eat?
I’m almost afraid to ask…
What does a humanitarian eat?
Reposted by Australian Groan
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast. I asked, 'Who is the guy?' Grandpa said, 'This is my hip replacement.'
January 29, 2026 at 12:31 PM
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast. I asked, 'Who is the guy?' Grandpa said, 'This is my hip replacement.'
Nothing, in the English Language, starts with an N and ends with a G.
January 28, 2026 at 8:42 PM
Nothing, in the English Language, starts with an N and ends with a G.
Reposted by Australian Groan
My neighbor suggested I put cow or horse manure on my strawberries.
Tried it.
Anyway, long story short, I'm going back to whipped cream.
#joke
Tried it.
Anyway, long story short, I'm going back to whipped cream.
#joke
January 28, 2026 at 7:14 PM
My neighbor suggested I put cow or horse manure on my strawberries.
Tried it.
Anyway, long story short, I'm going back to whipped cream.
#joke
Tried it.
Anyway, long story short, I'm going back to whipped cream.
#joke
My dad was always a “If you got up there on your own, you can get down on your own” sort of man.
Fantastic father.
Terrible air traffic controller.
Fantastic father.
Terrible air traffic controller.
January 26, 2026 at 10:13 AM
My dad was always a “If you got up there on your own, you can get down on your own” sort of man.
Fantastic father.
Terrible air traffic controller.
Fantastic father.
Terrible air traffic controller.
I've gotten quite good at ventriloquism.
Even though I do say so myself!
Even though I do say so myself!
January 25, 2026 at 8:32 PM
I've gotten quite good at ventriloquism.
Even though I do say so myself!
Even though I do say so myself!
The inventor of lozenges has died..
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
The funeral will be attended by a lot of fisherman's friends
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
The funeral will be attended by a lot of fisherman's friends
January 24, 2026 at 9:39 PM
The inventor of lozenges has died..
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
The funeral will be attended by a lot of fisherman's friends
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
The funeral will be attended by a lot of fisherman's friends