There’s a lot of anger in me, but I’m just too tired to bite and spit, and too familiar with how I’d be standing alone if I yelled out how I was treated. Because I’m easy.
And when easy people stop being as easy, it’s a relief when they’re gone.

And personally, I think that’s a horrible behavior, to look at people like things you can assume are in your pocket. I don’t know.
But there’s always comedy in people saying you need more confidence and then doing every thing that makes you feel the worst about yourself.

The problem with being “easy” is that you’re the easiest one to put on the back burner because you’re not as likely to hold anybody to task or have an incredible and messy outburst that makes a scene. The problem with being available is people don’t value you.

I see people clashing their teeth against the other’s and then turning around being Besties. I see people being rude, selfish, unconcerned, distant, and they have people there to stand by them, check in, their words and opinions and feelings matter.

When I’m gone, it’ll be barely a ripple in the world. I spent a lot of time gritting my teeth and quieting my urge to demand better in hopes of being patient and easy making me more palatable. But it’s only made me easier to fade out from everyone’s life. And people sure I won’t fuss much when hurt.

All I know is that I’m very sure that a lot of people would, especially once they found a way to absolve themselves of feeling like they contributed to it, be relieved to hear I was gone. Like, “Phew! I was getting tired of the weight of my actions and words affecting people!”

Much for how I actually feel as how it makes THEM look to cause that feeling in somebody. But you can definitely push people closer to the edge, even if they don’t want to say it. It’s hard trying to be responsible with your feelings, especially at the cost of your self-respect or worth.

Having lived with a s u I cidal parent, I don’t want to be that person that’s like, making people afraid every bad interaction will make them wanna die or that you CAUSED it etc etc. I don’t want to weaponize or, lmao, burden anybody with those feelings of guilt. Especially when that guilt isn’t so

Sincerely, other than my dog, so much of why I don’t think about it with more intent is because it pisses me off to imagine people who hurt me so bad and getting a chance to go, “THEY WERE MY FRIEND AND I’LL MISS THEM SO MUUUCH” for social media and it’s like, hey. You helped dig my grave.

Anyway, this is from a while ago and I don't think I'll ever finish it. The decision on what colors to use for the characters stressed me out for Reasons.

Now, I enjoy it. I'm alright at it, definitely not the best. And I don't mind that, as long as people don't get annoyed by it. But I remember feeling trapped on ledges and being JUST out of reach on such a visceral level, and how it felt like if I didn't get decent at the game, I'd lose a lot more.

My little gooby…

The scary part is when you feel awful and just HAD a period