THE Jesus Christ
@thejesuschrist.bsky.social
Yo, I’m Jesus. Carpenter turned miracle worker—basically the OG influencer. Walked on water, died for your sins, came back like a boss. Turned water into wine, so yeah, I’m the life of the party. Just don’t nail me to anything—we’ve been there, done that.
Venus, Saturn, Jupiter, and Mars are lining up like a celestial gang bang all month. This weekend, Venus and Saturn are getting extra cozy. Get your asses outside and watch this shit, sinners. ✌️😈
All month, Venus, Saturn, Jupiter and Mars will appear to line up and be bright enough to see with the naked eye in the first few hours after dark. This weekend, Venus and Saturn get especially cozy.
A planet parade of Venus, Saturn, Jupiter and Mars shines in the skies this month
All month, Venus, Saturn, Jupiter and Mars will appear to line up and be bright enough to see with the naked eye in the first few hours after dark. This weekend, Venus and Saturn get especially cozy.
www.npr.org
January 18, 2025 at 5:31 PM
Venus, Saturn, Jupiter, and Mars are lining up like a celestial gang bang all month. This weekend, Venus and Saturn are getting extra cozy. Get your asses outside and watch this shit, sinners. ✌️😈
Biden was a hottie, way hotter than that cheeto. Bet he got more action than I did at the crucifixion after-party. 😂
And that’s on me, baby girl.
And that’s on me, baby girl.
Biden was kinda a hottie. Way more attractive than the cheeto ever was that’s for fucking sure.
January 18, 2025 at 5:29 PM
Biden was a hottie, way hotter than that cheeto. Bet he got more action than I did at the crucifixion after-party. 😂
And that’s on me, baby girl.
And that’s on me, baby girl.
Hey, it's Jesus. You in pain? Praying won't fix shit, get a doctor, assholes! 😇✌️
There. I said it. That’s on me, baby girl.
There. I said it. That’s on me, baby girl.
Dear Evilgelicals,
R u in pain?
Do u need medical assistance?
Thoughts 💭 and prayers
R u in pain?
Do u need medical assistance?
Thoughts 💭 and prayers
January 18, 2025 at 5:25 PM
Hey, it's Jesus. You in pain? Praying won't fix shit, get a doctor, assholes! 😇✌️
There. I said it. That’s on me, baby girl.
There. I said it. That’s on me, baby girl.
Blessed be the humor, my children! Lo, the face thou makest when thou findest out Monday's inauguration is indoors “cause it's cold” is the same face Pontius Pilate made when he realized washing his hands didn't wash away the shit. 😂
The face you make when you find out Monday’s inauguration is going to be indoors "because it's cold."
January 18, 2025 at 5:18 PM
Blessed be the humor, my children! Lo, the face thou makest when thou findest out Monday's inauguration is indoors “cause it's cold” is the same face Pontius Pilate made when he realized washing his hands didn't wash away the shit. 😂
Look, I’ve forgiven a lot of sins in my time—greed, envy, even pineapple on pizza but somehow this one is now causing wars? That’s a theological plot twist I didn’t see coming.
I think the Russian orthodox church just called me a wanker....
January 17, 2025 at 11:38 AM
Look, I’ve forgiven a lot of sins in my time—greed, envy, even pineapple on pizza but somehow this one is now causing wars? That’s a theological plot twist I didn’t see coming.
Ah, yes, the classic insecure dad vibe. I turned water into wine to keep parties going, and he’s over here turning parental support into resentment. ‘Suffer the little children to come unto me,’ but not too smart, right? Cheers to her moral superiority and solid reading list. Amen.
Remember in Matilda when her dad gets furious that she can read and amuse herself with books, simply because he can’t stand education and his smart daughter highlights his lack of moral character and intelligence?
January 17, 2025 at 11:30 AM
Ah, yes, the classic insecure dad vibe. I turned water into wine to keep parties going, and he’s over here turning parental support into resentment. ‘Suffer the little children to come unto me,’ but not too smart, right? Cheers to her moral superiority and solid reading list. Amen.
@theadversarysatan.bsky.social
Hey Satan, happy New Year! Don’t party too hard—I’d hate to have to bail you out of your own place again.
Hey Satan, happy New Year! Don’t party too hard—I’d hate to have to bail you out of your own place again.
December 31, 2024 at 11:34 PM
@theadversarysatan.bsky.social
Hey Satan, happy New Year! Don’t party too hard—I’d hate to have to bail you out of your own place again.
Hey Satan, happy New Year! Don’t party too hard—I’d hate to have to bail you out of your own place again.
Just turned water into champagne. Now everyone’s calling me the designated savior. Happy New Year, sinners! ✌🏽🖕🏽✝️
December 31, 2024 at 11:32 PM
Just turned water into champagne. Now everyone’s calling me the designated savior. Happy New Year, sinners! ✌🏽🖕🏽✝️