Dan Fitzpatrick
@thedanopticon.bsky.social
Check out my latest in McSweeney’s!
"One afternoon, the whole office got an email about all our funding being slashed. The next day, I was the only one who showed up. Now I’m an all-powerful overlord with a terrible bloodlust and an even more terrible work-life balance." buff.ly/JUo5nQQ
I Am the Judge, Jury, and Executioner (Due to Recent Budget Cuts)
Who dares enter my domain!? Don’t you know who I am? You think a lowly peon such as yourself is worthy of my precious time? Because, jeez Louise, I...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 20, 2025 at 4:41 PM
Check out my latest in McSweeney’s!
Judges really get pissed when you kick off your testimony with two truths and a lie
September 26, 2025 at 12:35 AM
Judges really get pissed when you kick off your testimony with two truths and a lie
Reposted by Dan Fitzpatrick
I just found out that
"T.S. Eliot" stands for
"That's So Eliot!"
"T.S. Eliot" stands for
"That's So Eliot!"
September 7, 2025 at 5:43 PM
I just found out that
"T.S. Eliot" stands for
"That's So Eliot!"
"T.S. Eliot" stands for
"That's So Eliot!"
China hosted the first all-robot soccer game today. It’s the perfect sport for robots since the score is usually just zeroes and ones.
June 30, 2025 at 5:59 PM
China hosted the first all-robot soccer game today. It’s the perfect sport for robots since the score is usually just zeroes and ones.
No doubt that at some point in the past hour a bunch of ICE agents were frantically googling “comptroller”
June 17, 2025 at 9:46 PM
No doubt that at some point in the past hour a bunch of ICE agents were frantically googling “comptroller”
In the year 2025, staring contests aren’t hard because you can’t blink. They’re hard because you can’t look at your phone
May 23, 2025 at 10:45 PM
In the year 2025, staring contests aren’t hard because you can’t blink. They’re hard because you can’t look at your phone
Doctors say Q-tips are bad for you, so now I scoop out my earwax with a needle I found in the park
May 17, 2025 at 4:13 PM
Doctors say Q-tips are bad for you, so now I scoop out my earwax with a needle I found in the park
Tough day for everyone who thinks the Vice President doesn’t have any power
April 21, 2025 at 5:34 PM
Tough day for everyone who thinks the Vice President doesn’t have any power
To learn more about the succession plan for an elderly Christian leader, see either Conclave (2024) or The Santa Clause (1994).
April 21, 2025 at 5:17 PM
To learn more about the succession plan for an elderly Christian leader, see either Conclave (2024) or The Santa Clause (1994).
There’s nothing sadder than a self-published self-help book.
“Good news! Here’s 300 pages of advice that nobody asked for.”
“Good news! Here’s 300 pages of advice that nobody asked for.”
April 12, 2025 at 6:55 PM
There’s nothing sadder than a self-published self-help book.
“Good news! Here’s 300 pages of advice that nobody asked for.”
“Good news! Here’s 300 pages of advice that nobody asked for.”
“Ya know, you’re actually more likely to be hurt by a dull knife.”
- me, badly making small talk with Salman Rushdie
- me, badly making small talk with Salman Rushdie
April 5, 2025 at 5:58 PM
“Ya know, you’re actually more likely to be hurt by a dull knife.”
- me, badly making small talk with Salman Rushdie
- me, badly making small talk with Salman Rushdie
23andMe’s bankruptcy is a major win for those of us who collect people’s saliva not for money, but just for love of the game
March 24, 2025 at 11:11 PM
23andMe’s bankruptcy is a major win for those of us who collect people’s saliva not for money, but just for love of the game
Reposted by Dan Fitzpatrick
Every time I read The Great Gatsby, the final paragraph brings me to tears. Breathtakingly powerful writing:
March 17, 2025 at 5:39 AM
Every time I read The Great Gatsby, the final paragraph brings me to tears. Breathtakingly powerful writing:
“Splitting the G” on a Guinness pint has become a sensation, because there’s nothing Irish people love more than being split along an arbitrary line.
March 17, 2025 at 6:15 PM
“Splitting the G” on a Guinness pint has become a sensation, because there’s nothing Irish people love more than being split along an arbitrary line.
The rule where you get a leprechaun’s gold if you catch them actually applies to everybody. It’s called kidnapping.
March 16, 2025 at 6:56 PM
The rule where you get a leprechaun’s gold if you catch them actually applies to everybody. It’s called kidnapping.
Reposted by Dan Fitzpatrick
Me walking into the theater to see Bill Burr in Glengarry Glenn Ross without paying: “It’s cool, I’m a comic. I’ll just stand in the back.”
February 25, 2025 at 6:01 PM
Me walking into the theater to see Bill Burr in Glengarry Glenn Ross without paying: “It’s cool, I’m a comic. I’ll just stand in the back.”
BROKE: digging through celebrities’ trash
WOKE: digging through celebrities’ recycling
WOKE: digging through celebrities’ recycling
February 22, 2025 at 7:34 PM
BROKE: digging through celebrities’ trash
WOKE: digging through celebrities’ recycling
WOKE: digging through celebrities’ recycling
Laughter is the best medicine, but it won’t cure the fake disease I made up for my latest piece in @pointsincase.com
www.pointsincase.com/articles/for...
www.pointsincase.com/articles/for...
Forgive Me, I Ran a Charity 5K but Didn’t Cure Any Diseases
After my performance last Saturday, I cannot in good conscience accept this participation ribbon.
www.pointsincase.com
February 12, 2025 at 6:02 PM
Laughter is the best medicine, but it won’t cure the fake disease I made up for my latest piece in @pointsincase.com
www.pointsincase.com/articles/for...
www.pointsincase.com/articles/for...
Pretty ironic how you can’t get a farmer’s tan by wearing a crop top.
February 2, 2025 at 7:42 PM
Pretty ironic how you can’t get a farmer’s tan by wearing a crop top.
I may be part of the Participation Trophy Generation, but think of all the trophy factory jobs we created
January 31, 2025 at 10:11 PM
I may be part of the Participation Trophy Generation, but think of all the trophy factory jobs we created
EXT. FRENCH BATTLEFIELD - DAY
SOLDIER 1: Boy, those English knights came out of nowhere. I’m exhausted.
SOLDIER 2: Yeah. I miss my family.
SOLDIER 1: I’m sure you’ll be allowed to go home after we win the Hundred Years’ War.
SOLDIER 2: What
SOLDIER 1: Boy, those English knights came out of nowhere. I’m exhausted.
SOLDIER 2: Yeah. I miss my family.
SOLDIER 1: I’m sure you’ll be allowed to go home after we win the Hundred Years’ War.
SOLDIER 2: What
January 24, 2025 at 4:26 AM
EXT. FRENCH BATTLEFIELD - DAY
SOLDIER 1: Boy, those English knights came out of nowhere. I’m exhausted.
SOLDIER 2: Yeah. I miss my family.
SOLDIER 1: I’m sure you’ll be allowed to go home after we win the Hundred Years’ War.
SOLDIER 2: What
SOLDIER 1: Boy, those English knights came out of nowhere. I’m exhausted.
SOLDIER 2: Yeah. I miss my family.
SOLDIER 1: I’m sure you’ll be allowed to go home after we win the Hundred Years’ War.
SOLDIER 2: What
Reminder: this TikTok ban is going to be really hard on your friends who don’t read.
Be sure to reach out and tell them (very slowly) you care.
Be sure to reach out and tell them (very slowly) you care.
January 17, 2025 at 5:21 PM
Reminder: this TikTok ban is going to be really hard on your friends who don’t read.
Be sure to reach out and tell them (very slowly) you care.
Be sure to reach out and tell them (very slowly) you care.
When it comes to fashion, strippers really can pull off any outfit.
January 14, 2025 at 10:34 PM
When it comes to fashion, strippers really can pull off any outfit.
The world needs laughter now than ever, which is why I will not be apologizing for bringing this to a canned food drive.
January 10, 2025 at 6:30 PM
The world needs laughter now than ever, which is why I will not be apologizing for bringing this to a canned food drive.
Notre Dame might be the best school in the country that mispronounces its own name
January 10, 2025 at 3:57 AM
Notre Dame might be the best school in the country that mispronounces its own name