WASHINGTON—Touting his latest executive order as a historic win for the U.S. economy, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was mandating a 5,000% increase in all numbers nationwide. “Effect...

WASHINGTON—In what is being described as the most ambitious mission ever undertaken in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced at a press conference Tuesday their bold new plan to still e...

THE HEAVENS—Kicking Himself for never getting around to developing what would have been a useful skill, God, Our Heavenly Father, and the Creator of the Universe, admitted Thursday that he regretted n...

ALT: a man with a beard wearing a blue shirt

GLENS FALLS, NY—Breaking its own record after scoring a touchdown to rack up its 600th point within the first quarter, the Boston Dynamics dog appeared unstoppable at the Puppy Bowl, sources confirmed Sunday. “It looks like Nacho is headed into the end zone, and—oh no, another brutal tackle from Spot, the robotic dog!” said game commentator Steve Levy, who clutched his head and winced as the gadget began emitting a high-pitched noise that caused the few still-standing puppies to crumple unconscious to the ground. “Oof, that’s gotta hurt! This is one dog that sure likes to play rough. It’ll be interesting to see what he does with the arm he’s protracting. Good God, Spot, no. That’s the referee! Run, everybody. Run for your lives!” At press time, the robotic dog was reportedly showboating with a victory dance on a pile of its opponents’ corpses.