Lance Carter
@standup-comedy.co.uk
I'm a standup comedian in London, but like one of the bad ones you see when your local pub does a free comedy night and you wish you'd just stayed in and watched Netflix instead.
Just absolutely murdered a bunch of teenagers in Warzone, and feeling great about myself.
November 23, 2025 at 6:17 PM
Just absolutely murdered a bunch of teenagers in Warzone, and feeling great about myself.
This week I've been offered a promotion at work (convinced I was being made redundant), a spot on a gig (didn't even have to apply), and a bowel cancer screening (have to shit in a jar). Life is going great!
November 21, 2025 at 9:27 AM
This week I've been offered a promotion at work (convinced I was being made redundant), a spot on a gig (didn't even have to apply), and a bowel cancer screening (have to shit in a jar). Life is going great!
Amazon "We need a highly relatable Christmas ad this year."
Ad Agency "Got it, how about one with a bloke doing online shopping while he hides in his PANTRY?"
Ad Agency "Got it, how about one with a bloke doing online shopping while he hides in his PANTRY?"
November 20, 2025 at 6:40 PM
Amazon "We need a highly relatable Christmas ad this year."
Ad Agency "Got it, how about one with a bloke doing online shopping while he hides in his PANTRY?"
Ad Agency "Got it, how about one with a bloke doing online shopping while he hides in his PANTRY?"
The worst thing about working from home is when I have to take my slanket off for a Zoom call.
November 20, 2025 at 4:56 PM
The worst thing about working from home is when I have to take my slanket off for a Zoom call.
"It's actually a Haynes manual for the Ford Capri Mk 2 - I'm doing a complete top-end rebuild."
Then she borrows your torque wrench and you never get it back.
No thank you.
Then she borrows your torque wrench and you never get it back.
No thank you.
November 19, 2025 at 7:14 AM
"It's actually a Haynes manual for the Ford Capri Mk 2 - I'm doing a complete top-end rebuild."
Then she borrows your torque wrench and you never get it back.
No thank you.
Then she borrows your torque wrench and you never get it back.
No thank you.
Why do pyjamas have pockets?
November 18, 2025 at 10:10 PM
Why do pyjamas have pockets?
Why do we collectively persist with the myth that Christmas is snowy, instead of grey and drizzly?
November 17, 2025 at 7:51 PM
Why do we collectively persist with the myth that Christmas is snowy, instead of grey and drizzly?
My wife thinks this is a perfectly suitable place to store a box of biscuits. Should I divorce her?
November 17, 2025 at 10:40 AM
My wife thinks this is a perfectly suitable place to store a box of biscuits. Should I divorce her?
Just play Hysteria ffs!
November 15, 2025 at 10:05 AM
Just play Hysteria ffs!
When AI tools like ChatGPT or Google AI Overviews give you a response, if they decide that their training data may be out of date for your query, they will try to find more recent information on the internet. Most of them will use trusted news sources, academic or government sites where possible. /1
November 14, 2025 at 10:08 AM
When AI tools like ChatGPT or Google AI Overviews give you a response, if they decide that their training data may be out of date for your query, they will try to find more recent information on the internet. Most of them will use trusted news sources, academic or government sites where possible. /1
Massive Faith No More fan - but somehow I've never realised that the 1995 video for their cover of "I Started A Joke" features Martin Freeman: www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKDo...
Faith No More - I Started a Joke (Official Music Video)
YouTube video by UPROXX Indie Mixtape
www.youtube.com
November 13, 2025 at 10:34 AM
Massive Faith No More fan - but somehow I've never realised that the 1995 video for their cover of "I Started A Joke" features Martin Freeman: www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKDo...
Money Saving Tip: buy your remembrance poppy on November 12 when they discount all the old stock.
November 11, 2025 at 11:40 AM
Money Saving Tip: buy your remembrance poppy on November 12 when they discount all the old stock.
I am at a PR industry event thing for the first time in centuries - there are PASTRIES! I forgot about the pastries. Need to get out more.
November 11, 2025 at 8:11 AM
I am at a PR industry event thing for the first time in centuries - there are PASTRIES! I forgot about the pastries. Need to get out more.
Do not cite the Brand Guidelines to me, witch! I was there when they were written.
November 10, 2025 at 3:44 PM
Do not cite the Brand Guidelines to me, witch! I was there when they were written.
BIG SPECIAL - SHITHOUSE (Official Video)
YouTube video by BIG SPECIAL
www.youtube.com
November 10, 2025 at 12:40 PM
My work gives us our birthday off, and I had planned to spend the whole day doing a LOTR Director's Cut marathon. I've owned the box set for about 20 years and never got around to watching it. I've only ever seen the theatrical releases. Friday was going to be my day...
November 10, 2025 at 8:27 AM
My work gives us our birthday off, and I had planned to spend the whole day doing a LOTR Director's Cut marathon. I've owned the box set for about 20 years and never got around to watching it. I've only ever seen the theatrical releases. Friday was going to be my day...
Spaffed on a massive 4k tv and watching BBC David Attenborough nature documentaries in ultra HD is my favourite thing - looks stunning.
November 9, 2025 at 6:55 PM
Spaffed on a massive 4k tv and watching BBC David Attenborough nature documentaries in ultra HD is my favourite thing - looks stunning.
"It's been a year since you bought your car from us, so I'm just getting in touch to ask whether you're considering upgrading?"
Nobody has ever understood me less.
Nobody has ever understood me less.
November 7, 2025 at 2:00 PM
"It's been a year since you bought your car from us, so I'm just getting in touch to ask whether you're considering upgrading?"
Nobody has ever understood me less.
Nobody has ever understood me less.
Today in Ambiguous Headlines....
November 7, 2025 at 8:58 AM
Today in Ambiguous Headlines....
Watching Buffy with the kids - forgot how grunge-tastic the soundtrack was.
November 5, 2025 at 6:50 PM
Watching Buffy with the kids - forgot how grunge-tastic the soundtrack was.
At least once a month on the lads chat group, we talk about all the things that made us do the Divorce Maths in our heads recently. Except Jim, who's already on his second wife and highly recommends it.
November 5, 2025 at 8:29 AM
At least once a month on the lads chat group, we talk about all the things that made us do the Divorce Maths in our heads recently. Except Jim, who's already on his second wife and highly recommends it.
There's a catchy song by the B-52s called "The Deadbeat Club" which most people don't know. Anyway, my mate's just told me his dad passed away and now I can't stop singing "We're The Dead-Dad Club" to myself.
Thank you for your attention in this matter.
Thank you for your attention in this matter.
November 4, 2025 at 1:08 PM
There's a catchy song by the B-52s called "The Deadbeat Club" which most people don't know. Anyway, my mate's just told me his dad passed away and now I can't stop singing "We're The Dead-Dad Club" to myself.
Thank you for your attention in this matter.
Thank you for your attention in this matter.
Every year I ruin approximately 5 items of clothing because I can never be arsed to get changed before doing some DIY job around the house.
This weekend's casualty; a perfectly good sweater, smeared with expanding foam residue.
This weekend's casualty; a perfectly good sweater, smeared with expanding foam residue.
November 3, 2025 at 7:58 AM
Every year I ruin approximately 5 items of clothing because I can never be arsed to get changed before doing some DIY job around the house.
This weekend's casualty; a perfectly good sweater, smeared with expanding foam residue.
This weekend's casualty; a perfectly good sweater, smeared with expanding foam residue.
Got up at 6am to stand on a bridge in the rain, watching old cars.
November 2, 2025 at 9:40 AM
Got up at 6am to stand on a bridge in the rain, watching old cars.