Lance Carter
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standup-comedy.co.uk
Lance Carter
@standup-comedy.co.uk
I'm a standup comedian in London, but like one of the bad ones you see when your local pub does a free comedy night and you wish you'd just stayed in and watched Netflix instead.
I get the good intentions behind it, but really that legislation just added an extra layer of enshittification to the web.
January 16, 2026 at 11:48 AM
I'm doing standup in a South London community center with Asian Zorro. How's your night going?
January 15, 2026 at 9:35 PM
If you set up a Kickstarter to make this movie, I will donate.
January 14, 2026 at 2:13 PM
Gig promoter asked for my stage name, used my real name on the gig flyer, spelled it completely wrong. Haven't got the heart to tell them.
January 13, 2026 at 9:04 PM
The entire American economy is held up by a handful of AI focused stocks - but in the UK we're entirely dependent on Warhammer 40k:
January 13, 2026 at 9:51 AM
January 13, 2026 at 9:03 AM
First gig of the year in South London - even though I apparently didn't merit a mention on the flyer:

facebook.com/events/s/bri...
Bring your own booze comedy
Event in Mitcham, United Kingdom by Instant laughs on Thursday, January 15 2026
facebook.com
January 11, 2026 at 8:48 PM
Some filthy bastard wanted to touch my base the other day. Disgusting.
January 11, 2026 at 2:56 PM
Really fun times to be working for a company that has a lot of Scandi and American employees.
January 11, 2026 at 2:47 PM
Post your favourite Star Trek character, wrong answers only
January 11, 2026 at 1:59 PM
Really not enjoying all the self-awareness that suddenly showed up during middle age.
January 11, 2026 at 1:55 PM
This is proper Cosy-Core right here.
January 11, 2026 at 12:02 PM
Do the Germans have a compound word which describes the disappointment felt when you go to do Wordle but forgot that you already did it when you were awake for a while at 3am?
January 11, 2026 at 11:35 AM
Best of luck.
January 11, 2026 at 11:34 AM
If this is going to be a regular thing, I recommend one of these, which has a wider, curved blade, to make shaving my head quicker and easier: www.amazon.co.uk/Remington-Cl...
Remington Quick Cut Hair Clippers with 9 Comb Lengths Curved Blade for Rapid Hair Trimming Detailing with Storage Pouch - HC4250, Black/Red
Product Description Designed to give you precision, control and speed, these hair clippers boast an array of features that means you can quickly and easily look and feel your best at all times. Remington’s CurveCut Blade technology delivers a cleaner, more even cut in less time, following the contours of your head for a trim worthy of any barbers. This technology, combined with its ergonomic design gives you more confidence and ease when cutting your own hair at home, as it sits perfectly in your hand, giving you the assurance that there’s no risk of slipping or dropping the clipper. Whatever style you want to achieve, it’s the grooming tool for you - whether it be trimming, detailing or edging, you are guaranteed total control. Directions 1. Charge the clippers before use. 2. Use the appropriate comb length for the desired haircut. 3. Hold the clippers with an ergonomic grip. 4. Cut sideburns and neck area with ease. 5. Clean and maintain the clippers regularly for optimal performance. P.when('A').execute(function(A) { A.on('a:expander:toggle_description:toggle:collapse', function(data) { window.scroll(0, data.expander.$expander[0].offsetTop-100); }); }); Safety Warning Wash and maintain blades and unit regularly. Do not force the passage quickly. See more
www.amazon.co.uk
January 11, 2026 at 11:28 AM
I wish somebody had woken me up that time I fell asleep on the night bus and suddenly found myself in fucking Romford at 3am with no way to get back to Forest Gate until the buses started running again the next morning, so I wouldn't have had to go to work with no sleep and a hangover.
January 10, 2026 at 9:59 AM
Honestly - if I ever got into a Time Traveller's Wife scenario, I'd tell 19yr old me to cover that apology of a jawline with fur as soon as possible.
January 10, 2026 at 9:37 AM
Got fed up of beard maintenance so shaved it right back. Suddenly remembered why I grew a beard in the first place.
a young boy wearing a hat and a blue shirt is waving at someone .
ALT: a young boy wearing a hat and a blue shirt is waving at someone .
media.tenor.com
January 10, 2026 at 9:33 AM
It kills me that my kids will come of age into this world and it'll just be their normality.
January 9, 2026 at 7:59 AM
God damnit, I'm in!
January 8, 2026 at 7:11 PM
They don't like it if you wank in B&Q - makes a hell of a mess with all the sawdust.
January 7, 2026 at 8:09 PM
Just watching YouTube clips of the Friends episode where Monica dresses as a cat for halloween over and over until I die.
January 7, 2026 at 4:58 PM
Got given some amazon vouchers as a reward for being too lazy to change jobs for 10 years. No cash alternative, the stated purpose was to treat myself to something nice.

Bought myself something nice. Feel deeply guilty about buying myself something nice.

I hate my mind.
January 7, 2026 at 3:05 PM
I don't need to tell people I'm an alpha male - my official diploma from the Daddy Tate Masculinity Masterclass speaks for itself.
January 7, 2026 at 10:41 AM
Mum?
January 6, 2026 at 4:21 PM