ASEXUAL TYRANNOSAURUS 🏳️‍⚧
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skeiser.bsky.social
ASEXUAL TYRANNOSAURUS 🏳️‍⚧
@skeiser.bsky.social
1.9K followers 2.1K following 10K posts
40 y/o ND she/they aspec/arospec transfemme in Philly.
Standup comic and freelance writer for hire.
Obscure references make the Sue Keiser Difference™.
Needless to say, 18+, MDNI
susantkeiser@gmail.com
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skeiser.bsky.social
A bit sad, as I absolutely want to become a robot, but it hints that (kimmy) has yet to break contain.
Chalkboard prompt imploring visitors to Philly AIDS Thrift in Philadelphia: I'D RATHER BE A ROBOT (less than 20 votes, taken just before I cast my vote for robotification) A VAMPIRE (43 votes)
October 31, 2025 at 5:44 AM
skeiser.bsky.social
Donald Trump is hiring the late Walt Michaels to become LSU's next head coach.
1985 press conference photo of the USFL's New Jersey Generals head coach Walt Michaels in between his team's quarterback, 1984 Heisman Trophy winner Doug Flutie, and (sigh) the team's owner Donald Trump. It is being held in a marble-interior room at Trump Tower, with a gigantic blue circular team logo featuring the word "Generals" on the bottom in a red Italic serif font, underneath a five-star oak-leaf cluster military insignia. The Generals, as a team, weren't bad, with Flutie and Georgia legend Herschel Walker leading the offense, and in a league whose best teams could genuinely compete with at least the middle of the NFL pack. That said, Trump led an aggressive and ultimately failed push for the original United States Football League to directly compete with the NFL by getting the season eventually move to the fall, which forced the move of some of its better teams in established NFL strongholds such as Philadelphia and Detroit, as well as an infamous anti-trust suit in which the USFL won in 1986, but was awarded one dollar (later amended to about $3.76).
October 29, 2025 at 11:35 PM
skeiser.bsky.social
Joe Flacco is so old, that seeing his first SI cover as a high school classmate of his, it actually meant something to me.
Sports Illustrated cover from late in Joe Flacco's rookie season in 2008 with the following text over the body of Pittsburgh Steeler Lamarr Woodley, who is crouching triumphantly over a sacked Flacco: STEEL CURTAIN II: DEFENSE That Same Old December Song in the NFL by Jim Trotter
October 17, 2025 at 3:20 AM
skeiser.bsky.social
Paul Shaffer is a similar case, but hopefully he hasn't been mistaken for Paul Schäfer, the Chilean Nazi Pedo Torture cult leader. (Extreme content warning for the latter's Wikipedia entry; the former seems to be very affable as David Letterman's band leader and second banana)
Wikipedia entry for Paul Shaffer, David Letterman's longtime band leader, and the co-writer of the legendary Weather Girls one-hit wonder "It's Raining Men". The text between the header and the opening paragraph (and his trademark bald forehead) reads as follows: For the United States military aide to Iran, see Paul R. Shaffer. For the French holocaust survivor, see Paul Schaffer. For the Chilean cult leader, see Paul Schäfer. Wikipedia entry for Paul Schaer (1921-2010) a German-Chilean cult leader who makes Jeffrey Epstein look good by comparison (This is not to whitewash the legacy of a fucking monster, but I doubt Jeffrey Epstein allowed the Pinochet regime to torture and execute political dissidents on his island, also I doubt Jeffrey Epstein was ever a literal Nazi). Needless to say, his article deserves ALL the content warnings, and this is as close to a THIS IS NOT A PLACE OF HONOR warning as I can give for this bastard's life story.
October 16, 2025 at 3:28 PM
skeiser.bsky.social
I don't know about now, but as of thirty years ago, he was on the record about it on national television!
Screenshot from the "Homie the Clown" episode of THE SIMPSONS, with the legendary Dick Cavett hosting the "Regional ACE Awards" (The CableACE Awards [sic] were given out in the 1990's to cable programming in a bid to claim prestige before the Emmys were more inclusive of non-network entities. Ask your grandparents.) The Frinkiac pseudo-Matt Groening font caption reads: MY TIME'S ALMOST UP HERE, SO I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY I KNOW WOODY ALLEN. (scattered applause)
October 11, 2025 at 9:53 PM
skeiser.bsky.social
(This was where I was coming from for this joke!)
Screenshot of the 1995 "The Simpsons" episode "The Springfield Connection" (the one where Marge becomes a quickly disillusioned cop and accidental counterfeit jeans wearhouser), showing a bored Marge's two yellow feminine hands holding a copy of SPONGE AND VACUUM magazine, with a wet yellow sponge and the headline: PREVIEW OF THE '96 SPONGES
October 11, 2025 at 6:57 PM
skeiser.bsky.social
FOR FUCK'S SAKE, ESPN, CERVEZA CRISTAL JAMMED THE ADS IN MORE DISCRETELY
Screenshot from a 2000's Chilean ad for CERVEZA CRISTAL spliced into a scene from the original STAR WARS (none of this "A New Hope" bullshit). Obi Wan Kenobi is about to give Luke Skywalker a lightsaber (I think) but instead he opens a cooler and gives him a nice CERVEZA CRISTAL (accompanied by a bass baritone voice singing "CERVEZA CRISTAL" the way Rod Stewart sang "FOREVER YOUNG").
October 2, 2025 at 8:34 PM
skeiser.bsky.social
Tell the folks at Dorley I need extra attention.
Susan topless with smallish boobs (I have no idea what size they are but it's been three fucking years on HRT) A side view of Susan's boobs and extra large stomach, which just out inches ahead of her chest.
September 21, 2025 at 6:34 AM
skeiser.bsky.social
Here's future former Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis with bangs for some reason.

What reason? Sadism, I guess.
Screenshot of one-time Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Kansas Jayhawks head football coach Charlie Weis, Sr. from a 1989 interview with NJN (New Jersey's public broadcaster at the time). Weis, all of 33-years-old and a former assistant at South Carolina at the time, was in his first and only season coaching Franklin High School in Franklin Township. After winning the state title that year, he would go on to spend fifteen years in the NFL before coaching Notre Dame and, um, Kansas, among other assistant coaching jobs. (White man in his early-to-mid thirties but looks both much older with his chubby face and apparent unibrow, and much younger with a 10-year-old boy's bowl cut if it also had bangs, on a high school athletic field on a fall afternoon. The Berlin Wall would fall within a month.)
September 20, 2025 at 5:05 AM
skeiser.bsky.social
Doing some real Sicko Shit this weekend.
Screenshot of EA Sports NCAA Football 2004, in which I'm about to coach then 1-AA (FCS) Georgia Southern, known forever more for their success employing a run-heavy option offense, to the point where they literally run you out of town if you try to change it. I have *your* Georgia Southern Eagles running the classic Texas Tech Air Raid offense (fuck Art Briles forever, though), with a very aggressive play style. They're passing 69 percent of the time (nice). Having simulated their first season as an D-1 Independent, with a 2:1 FCS-FBS opponent ratio, we went 10-2.
September 19, 2025 at 7:24 PM
skeiser.bsky.social
Cleveland Browns starting quarterback Joe Flacco, literally half a lifetime ago getting tackled in what may either be practice or a spring game for the Pitt Panthers circa 2004. He would later transfer to the University of Delaware, get drafted in the first round of the 2008 NFL Draft by Baltimore, and win Super Bowl XLVII with the Ravens. He graduated from Audubon High School in 2003; I was his mascot (the Green Wave, which was essentially Gumby with a pompadour, lockjaw, and jaundice, in 2000 and 2001 before graduating in 2002.
September 16, 2025 at 2:04 AM
skeiser.bsky.social
This was also when the greater Philadelphia area wasn't using ATMs, they were "tapping MAC".
Money Access Card from the early 2000's, the predecessor of today's debit cards and the most common brand of Automatic Teller Machine (ATM) cards in the Mid-Atlantic region. I don't remember people use the colloquial term "Tapping MAC" for using one of these machines (which disappeared due to a merger with the STAR system in the mid-2000's), but we definitely called ATMs "Mac Machines". (blue card with stylized "MAC" lettering, leaving a rainbow trail to its left, and an expired number and issue date of October 2000)
September 9, 2025 at 8:43 PM
skeiser.bsky.social
TIRED: "GAYLORS"
WIRED:
Part of a Swift Transportation tractor trailer advertising its website, swifttrans dot com. Did I know the truck was occupied? No. Did the guy yell YO, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? at me? Yes.
September 9, 2025 at 2:15 AM
skeiser.bsky.social
Using one photo already on your phone, what is the announcement tomorrow at 2?
Then-Liberty head football coach Hugh Freeze giving the thumbs up while coaching from a medical bed at the end of a 24-0 Flames loss to the Syracuse Orange in 2019. Things got even weirder for Mr. Freeze after that. (It was on my computer but I don't put a lot of fucking photos on my phone, I'm not a weirdo.)
September 2, 2025 at 5:16 AM
skeiser.bsky.social
Rudy Giuliani is so terrible he actually may be dying a slow painful death and this is all I can think of:
Former Arkansas football head coach Bobby Petrino looking sullen at a press conference wearing a neck brace underneath a red hoodie, surrounded by giant Arkansas Razorbacks and Farm Bureau Insurance logos in the background, while wearing a contemporary Allstate Sugar Bowl hat. This is in early 2012, shortly after being injured in a motorcycle accident, and shortly before being fired for revelations after said accident including an extramarital affair and preferential treatment from him of his then-mistress (who did nothing wrong except for falling in love with Bobby Petrino, for Christ's sake).
August 31, 2025 at 9:08 PM
skeiser.bsky.social
Marty did it better.
Title card from the "Sunday May 11th, 1980 6:55 am" sequence of GOODFELLAS, one of the greatest scenes in film history, in which Henry Hill (Ray Liotta), tries and fails to hold his shit together in a cocaine-fueled race to get his child's babysitter (Welker White) to the airport with a bunch of drugs, all set to "Jump into the Fire", "Monkey Man", "What is Life", and "Mannish Boy". My heart is racing, and all I've done is post a title card that was mimiced to announce Rudy Guiliani's debilitating injury.
August 31, 2025 at 8:47 PM
skeiser.bsky.social
Dysphoria's been hitting me hard lately so I found my old combo wig/baseball cap and made a rudimentary ponytail. It helps, a little.
Susan (white trans woman in her early forties with blue eyes, stud earrings, thick clear-rimmed glasses), wearing a black T-shirt under a long-sleeved demin top, and a generic black baseball cap with dark brown hair in a ponytail in the back, which almost matches her slightly lighter, perhaps slightly graying, hair. Susan from the previous photo without the wig and cap, with an almost completely bald top and brownish hair on the sides.
August 31, 2025 at 6:36 PM
skeiser.bsky.social
Hey, Bama, are you winning, Son?
Byline illustration from the mid-1980's of sports reporter and original USFL beat writer, turned college football sports radio institution Paul Finebaum. Finebaum, who now is thin and bald with glasses (almost like the guy from Grant Wood's American Gothic painting), is shown with a thick beard, thick glasses, and a combover that was a standard look for cis straight men at the time.
August 30, 2025 at 10:01 PM
skeiser.bsky.social
Shameless plug at my trans spaghetti dinner.
Me (white bald trans woman in her early forties wearing glasses) holding up a sign which says: Venmo @susantkeiser SUSAN! (she/they) Insta: @skeisercomedy Free Autographs Pictures $5
August 24, 2025 at 8:43 PM
skeiser.bsky.social
Decided to lounge around for the rest of the night wearing just a bedsheet. The cleavage is nowhere near where I want it to be but this is extremely gender affirming.
Susan (bald white trans woman in her early forties wearing glasses and a grey and white bedsheet around her torso like a strapless robe). It is borderline suggestive but not really, maybe if she could ever afford a breast augmentation or an orchi or a year at Dorley Hall.
August 23, 2025 at 4:19 AM
skeiser.bsky.social
I am single-handedly trying to make this fucking movie, AN ENGLISH-LANGUAGE FILM FROM THE DIRECTOR OF BATTLE ROYALE, IN WHICH THE WORLD ENDS, TWICE, a schoch less obscure.
Virus (1980, dir. Kinji Fukasaku), in which an international cast (featuring George Kennedy, Glenn Ford, AND SONNY FUCKING CHIBA) fails to save the world from a Western-made superbug, *AND THEN* World War III. It is incredibly fucked up and I love it.
August 19, 2025 at 4:04 AM
skeiser.bsky.social
SUSAN FROM OVER A DECADE AGO, YOU THINK THIS IS HILARIOUS BUT IT'S ALSO THE THIRD OR FOURTH EGGIEST PICTURE WE HAVE OF YOU.
Photo of a pre-transition Susan (white egg with beard and glasses wearing a burgundy hoodie and baggy jeans, carrying a backpack as if it were a purse) at the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum, circa 2015. She is taking a selfie in front of a mirror asking sexist early-to-mid 20th century questions to ensure that I, a male-presenting Narnian transfeminine egg, would make a good stewardess. A giant black & white photo of a mid-20th century flight attendant is besides the left frame of the mirror.
August 8, 2025 at 9:58 PM
skeiser.bsky.social
*looks at Amazon in a desperate search for trans books that won't depress me* *screams*
The one-two punch in the taint that is Pick Me Trans icon Caitlyln Jenner's memoir THE SECRETS OF MY LIFE: A HISTORY, and fucking Abigail Shrier's TERF canon classic IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE: THE TRANSGENDER CRAZE SEDUCING OUR DAUGHTERS. (Amazon scroll of popular transgender books on 8/1/2025, this is in the mid-teens, somewhere between PAGEBOY and DETRANSITION, BABY) *screams some more*
August 1, 2025 at 5:48 AM
skeiser.bsky.social
August is probably going to go bad no matter what, but feel free to post a random picture.
Former President Richard Nixon having champagne poured over his head by California Angels infielder Bobby Grich after the Angels clinch the 1979 American League West pennant.
August 1, 2025 at 4:20 AM
skeiser.bsky.social
Here are my first lewds as a 41-year-old.
Susan (topless white trans woman with glasses just north of 40) with her left hand behind her head, which is resting on Natalie, her Ikea Blåhaj stuffed shark. Susan in a near-exact pose to the first one, but with her glasses resting atop her forehead.
July 26, 2025 at 5:42 AM