Imagine when ICE is abolished, being the ex agent that has to put that on your resume when applying for your next stupid career

ME: can I wear it out of the store?

SALESPERSON: the condom?

Man Who Just Got Cable News Thinks You Should Do Your Research

I mean, people will suffer because of it. But hey, as long as you’re not extorted or willing to negotiate, you do you. No wonder people hate this President, ffs

#shutdown #artofthedeal

The best part of any college is when the home team scores or clinches the game. And the cameras show the visiting team fans and players’ parents looking all devastated And it’s like “and here’s these people, and they sad. Look at ruined tbeir trip is. Screw these people”

When it comes to reading the room, one might say I am a bit dyslexic. And that’s fair

Perhaps mixing too many vitamins with too many prayers isn’t as safe a combo as we thought.

Heaven gained a racist angel today. RIP Hulkster.

Drake played Mizzou so well in that game that Kendrick Lamar hates them now

You know Whatever. It was funny in my head.

I know that the stock market and economy is being decimated n the last few weeks. But if you could buy a Tesla and help out my rich friend, that’d be cool

“If you didn’t vote, you can’t complain. Unless you’re a celebrity/musician. Then stick to your career choice and also don’t complain, regardless of voting”. - People on social media who say dumb things

ME: I didn't choose the thug life

THEM: you're eating soup in a cardigan at 10:30 on a Tuesday morning

ME: I could not have been more clear

Being a person with deadly, incurable cancer who is nonetheless still alive for an indefinite timeframe gives me an interesting metaphor that helps me deal with things like large-scale corruption in government or commerce.

Bear with me for a second while I try to explain.

Talk to you all next year!!! Hahaha

(I’m going to drink alone for the next 3 days in my basement)

Somewhere out there…. at this moment right now, Kid Rock is hungover

Rosemary’s Baby is my favorite Christmas movie