Sarah
@sarahthegardner.bsky.social
Writer, reader, person who lies down. Excels at cheese consumption.
Send more tattoos.
November 19, 2025 at 11:39 PM
Send more tattoos.
Women over a certain age age up at 3am because we’ve evolved to cast spells with our coven at that time.
November 19, 2025 at 4:01 AM
Women over a certain age age up at 3am because we’ve evolved to cast spells with our coven at that time.
If y’all ever want to get me a present, know that I have a very full cart at bookshop.org.
November 3, 2025 at 11:52 PM
If y’all ever want to get me a present, know that I have a very full cart at bookshop.org.
I’m in Philly for the week and the muscle memory of glaring down cars that are about to hit you as you walk in front of them is in TACT. 💅🏻
October 9, 2025 at 2:50 PM
I’m in Philly for the week and the muscle memory of glaring down cars that are about to hit you as you walk in front of them is in TACT. 💅🏻
Made my new therapist laugh in our first session so the bar is set and I can look forward to chasing that high at every session following.
October 2, 2025 at 5:39 PM
Made my new therapist laugh in our first session so the bar is set and I can look forward to chasing that high at every session following.
I am at the “cleaning the house feels like a fun treat” point of my to do list.
September 29, 2025 at 3:36 PM
I am at the “cleaning the house feels like a fun treat” point of my to do list.
More bake-off tonight and learning that Iain is baller enough to land a lady who is a foot taller than him and attends a regular pole dancing class. Still rooting for Jessika, this drag king.
September 28, 2025 at 2:58 AM
More bake-off tonight and learning that Iain is baller enough to land a lady who is a foot taller than him and attends a regular pole dancing class. Still rooting for Jessika, this drag king.
In January my optimistic ass set a goal to submit 50 times in 2025.
I just submitted #13. 🫠
I just submitted #13. 🫠
September 25, 2025 at 12:11 PM
In January my optimistic ass set a goal to submit 50 times in 2025.
I just submitted #13. 🫠
I just submitted #13. 🫠
GBBO really said, “and Jessika is a drag king by night.” AND LEFT IT THERE LIKE I DIDNT NEED TO SEE EVERY DRAG PERFORMANCE JESSIKA HAS DONE?!?
September 21, 2025 at 5:37 PM
GBBO really said, “and Jessika is a drag king by night.” AND LEFT IT THERE LIKE I DIDNT NEED TO SEE EVERY DRAG PERFORMANCE JESSIKA HAS DONE?!?
The internet used to be louder and nicer and honestly? Same.
September 11, 2025 at 1:30 PM
The internet used to be louder and nicer and honestly? Same.
Vulnerability is wearing a jumpsuit on your road trip so you have to be naked in every truck stop east of the Mississippi.
September 9, 2025 at 10:21 PM
Vulnerability is wearing a jumpsuit on your road trip so you have to be naked in every truck stop east of the Mississippi.
New favorite piece just dropped.
"Your maturing vagina prefers wearing a deadpan expression, delivering cynical, but hilarious bon mots at dinner parties, and whatever brand of cigarettes Fran Lebowitz smokes."
Welcome to Your Menopausal Vagina
Congratulations, you have officially leveled up to menopause. You might be feeling anxious about the many ways that your body is changing, especial...
buff.ly
September 7, 2025 at 1:43 AM
New favorite piece just dropped.
I'm obsessed with this new McSweeney's article.
I’m Socially Liberal and Fiscally Conservative, Which Is Totally Not Meaningless www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-...
You only encourage this sort of behavior when you run my inane commentaries @mcsweeneys.net
You only encourage this sort of behavior when you run my inane commentaries @mcsweeneys.net
I’m Socially Liberal and Fiscally Conservative, Which Is Totally Not Meaningless
Remember me? I’m the guy with “Christian” and “Patriot” on my Twitter profile. My avatar is a picture of me wearing sunglasses and a baseball hat i...
www.mcsweeneys.net
August 22, 2025 at 8:35 PM
I'm obsessed with this new McSweeney's article.
My emotions are sore.
August 13, 2025 at 2:12 PM
My emotions are sore.
Thrilled to tell you that upon editing my recent post from 1300 words to 1200 words it is now 1420 words.
July 15, 2025 at 1:11 PM
Thrilled to tell you that upon editing my recent post from 1300 words to 1200 words it is now 1420 words.
The company culture where I work is communication through osmosis and I am not porous enough for this to be effective.
July 12, 2025 at 11:42 AM
The company culture where I work is communication through osmosis and I am not porous enough for this to be effective.
PSA: If you see someone older than you and you like their outfit you’re legally required to tell them out loud. Preferably using cool slang as though they’ll understand you.
July 10, 2025 at 3:44 PM
PSA: If you see someone older than you and you like their outfit you’re legally required to tell them out loud. Preferably using cool slang as though they’ll understand you.
After working in customer service for over two decades I have finally been tipped in drugs. Past me would think this is very cool and present me is very square and very tired.
July 6, 2025 at 4:00 AM
After working in customer service for over two decades I have finally been tipped in drugs. Past me would think this is very cool and present me is very square and very tired.
Mark as unread is not enough. I need a schedule send for texts.
June 27, 2025 at 9:30 PM
Mark as unread is not enough. I need a schedule send for texts.
I wrote about two things that give me the heebie jeebies: leeches and wellness influencers.
“My humours are looking extra snatched lately!” By @sarahthegardner.bsky.social
Full piece: thebelladonnacomedy.com/how-i-change...
Full piece: thebelladonnacomedy.com/how-i-change...
May 23, 2025 at 2:13 AM
I wrote about two things that give me the heebie jeebies: leeches and wellness influencers.
I'm taking requests on what my new personality should hinge on: open.substack.com/pub/sarahgar...
Most of My Personality Was Job Hunting
time for a new personality.
open.substack.com
May 14, 2025 at 1:47 PM
I'm taking requests on what my new personality should hinge on: open.substack.com/pub/sarahgar...
@pointsincase.com published my daydreams about prospective employers I've met along the way. www.pointsincase.com/articles/cir...
Circles of Hell Revised for Badly Behaved Prospective Employers
LIMBO: For employers who ghost a candidate.
www.pointsincase.com
May 12, 2025 at 8:50 PM
@pointsincase.com published my daydreams about prospective employers I've met along the way. www.pointsincase.com/articles/cir...
Autocorrect thinks I think RFK Jr. is an add hat. 👒
May 2, 2025 at 1:20 PM
Autocorrect thinks I think RFK Jr. is an add hat. 👒
Monica Lewinsky is my Roman Empire.
May 1, 2025 at 12:32 AM
Monica Lewinsky is my Roman Empire.
A Costco employee told me it was warm enough that I didn’t need to be wearing a hat. Fun reminder that you never need to tell anyone what they should/should not wear.
April 25, 2025 at 7:54 PM
A Costco employee told me it was warm enough that I didn’t need to be wearing a hat. Fun reminder that you never need to tell anyone what they should/should not wear.