had delicious tacos last night

having fresh breath when you get there, is just as important as being on time

wife asked me to clean the basement. went down there and she locked me in. opened a secret door and now i’m lost in a labyrinth

Rare devil sunrise appears in multiple countries across earth

if the bedroom doesn’t smell like farts in the morning, I’ve failed as a husband

Welcome to the dumbest administration

My wife always asks where I am whenever I’m buying her flowers, it’s like a super power

First one at home! 🍎 #MetsWin #LGM

the only reason potheads can’t work is because they need to run home to smoke

my wife won’t look at me for hours until I’m picking my nose

Comedian @blainecapatch.bsky.social and I want to hear your WEED STORIES! Leave a voicemail at 855-266-2604 or fill out the Google Form in my bio - talk to us!

Wow, right out of the Nazi playbook

People hired on merit don't do stupid shit like treating the maneuvers of the world's deadliest military like they're happy hour plans.

Every single government official in the leaked text thread should be fired. Let's cut this government incompetence. #FireHegseth #FireTulsi #FireVance

in a world of Joe Rogans, be a Bill Burr

i tried doing a zebra last night, it didn’t work #hungover