LITTLEROOT TOWN — A local child has been hospitalized after his special day was ruined by a swarm of middle-age Pokémon resellers lunging for the…

VATICAN CITY—Recalling that he hid it somewhere among the dozens of sarcophagi underneath St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis was reportedly scouring the papal tombs Thursday in search of the final egg from the Vatican Easter Egg Hunt. “If I can’t find this egg, the catacombs will totally reek,” said the frustrated bishop of Rome while rifling through the final resting place of holy pontiffs, crawling on his hands and knees on the crypt floor to peek under the reliquary of Saint Peter. “I found all the eggs tucked away in the Pietà, the tabernacle, and confessional, and the one I hid in the hands of the embalmed body of Pope John XXIII, so the last Easter egg has got to be down here somewhere.” At press time, Pope Francis was reportedly filled with disgust after rolling up the sleeves of his cassock, reaching into Leo X’s coffin, and touching the putrefied remains of an egg from 2016.

WASHINGTON—Warning that Americans should brace themselves for an economic “period of transition,” President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that a recession would be an unfortunate but necessary step on the way to all-out depression. “Look, what we’re doing is very big and will cause some pain, but that pain is necessary to cause total economic […]

NEW YORK —  Multiple eyewitnesses claimed to have seen the assassin of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson emerging from a conveniently-placed cart of hay near West…