ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

Can the Manhattan Project avoid building the nuclear bomb?

All you mother fuckers talking about if eating a mermaid is cannibalism when you know for a fact that your broke asses could never afford mermaid meat.

Yo @dieworkwear.bsky.social I have a wedding to go to and it's going to rain. Should I wear a linen or wool suit?

I need ya bud, you're my only hope

My name is Max and I should be allowed to vape on planes

You ever get into a buddy's Sunfire and it smells like cigarettes and bongwater?

That's what my accent sounds like

Had some groceries delivered. Reminded myself to grab them right away because there are bagels in there, and sometimes squirrels eat the bagels if I'm not quick. Went out there, one paper bag was labeled BREAD. Very quickly felt my brain go, "Well, jeez, don't write it on the bag."

Being a younger sibling is so fun. Your parents just leave you alone with a pro-bono babysitter/scientist. One time, my brother watched me eat rat poison to see what would happen.

People are always talking about the bottom of their heart, but I’m all about that thicc ass top part.

Cigarette means "little girl cigar" and nobody ever talks about it

meanwhile, just a few blocks away, Samantha had her sights set on a rich CEO as well

Maybe it’s corny but this time of year I love sneaking into the kids’ bedroom and just watching them sleep, imagining what their Christmas morning will be like. Will they get everything they want? Probably not all of it. I mean this house didn’t even have an alarm system.

I don't like drama. Unless I see comedians talking shit in a comment section then it's all:

First things first: you all should know I can talk some SMACK about canadian provinces.