Matt Waldram
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mattwaldram.bsky.social
Matt Waldram
@mattwaldram.bsky.social
750 followers 440 following 550 posts
Writer, idiot, has bad knees.

Believes in carbs, monsters, and scrumping.

He/him.
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mattwaldram.bsky.social
Well, I didn’t LOVE the Starbucks guys shouting my name in the airport just now.
Two starbucks cups side by side, with the word “Meth” written on them, and a smiley face. Bryan Cranston as Walter White in Breaking Bad, saying “Say my name.”
July 20, 2025 at 9:56 AM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
Started outlining a new feature script with @adbarker.bsky.social last week. First crucial step was to spunk a whole week away making a playlist.

A shiny and enthusiastic high-five to anyone who can solve the subtle and cryptic clues to figure out where this one is set...
A Spotify playlist called "The Magnificent Mile" including the songs: - Chicago by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - Magnificent by U2 - Just Blew in from the Windy City by Doris Day and Paul Weston - Saturday in the Park by Chicago - Sweet Home Chicago by The Blues Brothers The man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts by Sufjan Stevens Via Chicago by Wilco - Pulaski at Night by Andrew Bird - Windy City by Sweer
June 3, 2025 at 2:14 PM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
@clapifyoulikeme.favrd.social Congratulations, you made it into my IG algorithm.
A post by @clapifyoulikeme has been screencapped and posted to Instagram reels. @Clapifyoulikeme: I have been thinking about this exchange all day… Jen Kirkman: “Every seafood restaurant in DC should have a special this week called Squid Pro Quo.” Brad Stark: “Actually, the expression is ‘QUID pro quo’ not ‘SQUID.’ It’s Latin.”
May 20, 2025 at 6:30 PM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
In the end, it was totally easy and chill. [unclenches arse for first time in 6 weeks]
EFL Championship league table showing that Derby County finished 19th with 50 points, just ONE POINT safe from being relegated out of the league.
May 3, 2025 at 1:28 PM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
There's always a @mattielubchansky.com panel.
A panel from Mattie Lubchansky's Not All Man comic. Our hero in a brown hat/face mask, races to a crime scene, referring to himself as "Defender of the Defended! The Lone Protector of the Protected! Voice of the Voiceful!"
April 28, 2025 at 12:28 PM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
It's magnificent!
Close-up of Conan O'Brien holding Leslie Nielsen's hand-made fart machine, which seems to be two disks of wood, topped with chrome, held together by some black rubber.
April 28, 2025 at 12:15 PM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
"Frankenstein but in the Wild West" - oh my god shut up and just ship it to me already.
Book cover: "The Unkillable Frank Lightning" by Josh Roundtree. A gnarled monstrous, murky-coloured hand reaches out between two wooden beams.
April 28, 2025 at 11:54 AM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
Is it the parish of Chernobyl?
The front page of a Parish Magazine dated February 2025. It features a snowy village hall and fields, with wild flowers, robins, and a church in the background. In one of the meadows three dogs with FAR TOO MANY LEGS frolic. Thanks, AI, for another flawless image.
January 30, 2025 at 10:00 AM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
Lt. Musk.
Bruno Kirby as Lt. Hauk in "Good Morning, Vietnam" saying "Sir, in my heart, I know I'm funny."
January 24, 2025 at 9:51 AM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
I even made this, yesterday. Karma is a piece of shit.
A black light box bordered with blue and green light bulbs. Block lettering across the light box reads: “TOVE IS BACK TO SCHOOL!”
January 6, 2025 at 9:54 AM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
It’s starting beautifully, folks.
AJ Styles grinning and relieved, captioned “Me, now 2024 is over” as the Undertaker looms ominously behind him, ready to destroy him… captioned “2025” A very tired man walks down a corridor, captioned, “Me, now 2024 is over” as Sting loom’s ominous behind him ready to destroy him… captioned “2025” Top: Shawn Michaels looking smug, standing opposite Stone Cold Steve Austin. Shawn is captioned “Thank God 2024 is ov—“ Bottom: Stone Cold Steve Austin, labelled “2025”, middle-fingers Shawn Michaels
January 1, 2025 at 10:01 AM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
Tony Soprano at Dr. Melfi’s office, losing his cool and shouting “I hate this fucking shit!”
January 1, 2025 at 9:46 AM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
See also:
The front cover of In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash by Jean Shepherd.
December 23, 2024 at 1:12 PM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
Always room for a crossover.
Pete Billingham as Ralphie, wearing a pink bunny suit. Bruce Willis in North, wearing a pink bunny suit.
December 22, 2024 at 10:53 PM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
Is there any film that instantly makes it feel like Christmas quite like this one?
A TV screen shows the title card for A Christmas Story — red and green font decorated with holly leaves. At the bottom of the photo, a springer spaniel snoozes by my feet.
December 22, 2024 at 10:05 PM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
Tove came home from school last night with a letter saying one of her drawings (a Cow Cat) has been selected to be published, and she was so excited she looked like she’d burst. What a nice scheme to run for kids.
A “Certificate of Creativity” from Young Artists congratulating Tove on her artwork being selected for publication. An extract from a letter: “Congratulations! I'm delighted to tell you that I'd love to include Tove's picture in a book, called Perfect Pets. If you've not heard of Young Artists before, we run art competitions with clubs & schools. We're publishing a collection of books featuring the artwork of children from all around the UK We hope Tove will love being published in Perfect Pets! Having work published in a real book gives children a real sense of pride as well as being a beautiful keepsake.” Tove’s picture of a Cow Cat: a cat with large red markings patterned like a cow and a cow’s tail. It has a collar with a tag that says “Yay moo!” It is surrounded by floating purple hearts. In the background, a regular cat face looks at the Cow Cat, covered in hearts.
December 14, 2024 at 10:17 AM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
This one?
A gif of the sentient Talkie Toaster from Red Dwarf — a red unit with green and red LEDs — saying, “Given that god is infinite and that the universe is infinite, would you like a toasted tea cake?”
December 6, 2024 at 7:18 PM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
An important “What’s in Tove’s Bag Today?” update
A child’s drawing of a coiled up snake—red and green scales—wearing a santa hat. A speech bubble has the snake saying “Merry Christmas” It’s very cute.
December 5, 2024 at 8:38 PM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
In case you’re wondering if it’s even worth checking your Spotify wrapped when you have an 8-y/o… no. No it isn’t.
A yellow background with the text “Your top song was Sunshine by OneRepublic” My top 5 songs: 1. Sunshine - OneRepublic 2. Shut up and Dance - Walk the Moon 3. Under the Sea (instrumental) - Ivy Ravenwood 4. Colours of the Wind (instrumental) - Ivy Ravenwood 5. Count your Blessings (instrumental) - Matt Carlson
December 5, 2024 at 7:24 PM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
Emptying my 8y/o's bag each night always brings a level of insight into her brain that I wasn't ready for.
A collection of drawings: in the centre is a Medusa-cat; she has scales down her front and several hissing snakes coming out of her head. A thought cloud beside her shows herself as a regular cat playing in a meadow filled with flowers. In the bottom-right corner, a square section filled with various cat skeletons, sign-posted "The Pit of Death" Bottom-left, a cat is in a cage saying "Why am I in prison?", and the snake security guard next to the cage answers "Because you are a cat!"
December 5, 2024 at 9:31 AM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
Annoying my American wife by reading this in a British accent. (Those words, they do not rhyme.)
Close up on the neck of a bottle of Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce. The label reads, “The Sauce is the Boss!” (On the counter in the background, out of focus, a jar of Welch’s grape jelly, a measuring cup, and a slow cooker.)
November 24, 2024 at 6:40 PM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
Handy list of all those Bluesky starter packs
A Bill of Mortality from late-1600s/early-1700s. These were documents published weekly in London to as a kind of "League Table" of ways in which people had died that week. This image lists the cause of death and the number of people who succumbed to it... and I'm gonna list them all because wow: Abortive - 5 Aged - 43 Ague - 2 Apoplexic - 1 Bleeding - 2 Burnt in his Bed by a Candle at St. Giles Cripplegate - 1 Cancer - 1 Childbed - 42 Chrisomes - 18 Consumption - 134 Convulsion - 64 Coug - 2 Dropsie - 33 Fever - 309 Flox and Small-pox - 5 Frighted - 3 Gowt - 1 Grief - 3 Griping in the Guts - 51 Jaundice - 5 Imposthume - 11 Infants - 16 Killed by a fall from the Belfrey at Alhallows the Great Kingsevil - 1 Lethargy - 1 Palsie - 1 Plague - 7,165 Rickets - 17 Rising of the Lights - 11 Scowring - 5 Scurvy - 2 Spleen - 1 Spotted Fever - 101 Stillborn - 17 Stone - 2 Stopping of the Stomach - 9 Strangury - 1 Suddenly - 1 Surfeit - 49 Teeth - 121 Thrush - 5 Timpany - 1 Tissick - 11 Vomiting - 3 Wind - 3 Worms - 15 (I've "modernised" some of ye olde time spellings here)
November 18, 2024 at 3:55 PM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
Gen Z are waging war on sweets... ditching English classics like sugar-blands and misery crumbles in favour of fancy woke sweeties
The Skittles logo floating in the cloud-filled sky above a giant rainbow and the caption "Taste the Rainbow", and what's more woke than rainbows? Nothing.
November 18, 2024 at 1:26 PM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
Guys, I am about to have the fanciest fucking sandwich
In response to the Daily Mail's absolutely moronic headline that Gen Z are somehow attacking Britain by eating sandwiches with "fancy woke fillings", this is an image of a sandwich being separated. Inside the sandwich, melted cheese drips on and around the Pride Progress flag.
November 18, 2024 at 1:14 PM
mattwaldram.bsky.social
IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN SEND HELP
November 17, 2024 at 4:01 PM