Matt Thomas
@matthawkeye.bsky.social
Dad, husband, Conjurer of cheap tricks
“Hey Calvin, don’t keep snacking, we’re going to have dinner soon”
- me, hiding an open bag of Doritos behind my back
- me, hiding an open bag of Doritos behind my back
December 10, 2025 at 10:32 PM
“Hey Calvin, don’t keep snacking, we’re going to have dinner soon”
- me, hiding an open bag of Doritos behind my back
- me, hiding an open bag of Doritos behind my back
“Mom, dad, can you guys help with something because we’re about to fight”
“Sure what is it?”
“If we too away half the years what year would it be? And what if there were only odd number years?”
Parenting books don’t prepare you for this.
“Sure what is it?”
“If we too away half the years what year would it be? And what if there were only odd number years?”
Parenting books don’t prepare you for this.
December 2, 2025 at 10:44 PM
“Mom, dad, can you guys help with something because we’re about to fight”
“Sure what is it?”
“If we too away half the years what year would it be? And what if there were only odd number years?”
Parenting books don’t prepare you for this.
“Sure what is it?”
“If we too away half the years what year would it be? And what if there were only odd number years?”
Parenting books don’t prepare you for this.
“Please don’t look for Santa’s abs”
- actual thing just said by my wife
- actual thing just said by my wife
December 2, 2025 at 12:54 AM
“Please don’t look for Santa’s abs”
- actual thing just said by my wife
- actual thing just said by my wife
The dog wants to chew his bone, but is doing so in such a position that it constantly falls off the sofa, reaching me to get it for him (he is lazy). He will not reposition himself so that he can chew and NOT have it fall.
November 12, 2025 at 1:56 AM
The dog wants to chew his bone, but is doing so in such a position that it constantly falls off the sofa, reaching me to get it for him (he is lazy). He will not reposition himself so that he can chew and NOT have it fall.
Reposted by Matt Thomas
"When my guests come over, it’s gonna be like BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes."
It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
First published on October 9, 2009, this classic by Colin Nissan is our most-read article of all time. We’re celebrating the 16th anniversary of th...
buff.ly
September 24, 2025 at 1:40 AM
"When my guests come over, it’s gonna be like BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes."
“Is somebody gonna match my freak” I sing to myself as my knees pop while I bend over to clean up my dogs poop during our walk.
September 11, 2025 at 12:52 PM
“Is somebody gonna match my freak” I sing to myself as my knees pop while I bend over to clean up my dogs poop during our walk.
Wordle 1,545 2/6*
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September 11, 2025 at 10:58 AM
Wordle 1,545 2/6*
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Wordle 1,543 2/6*
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September 9, 2025 at 10:49 AM
Wordle 1,543 2/6*
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Wordle 1,537 2/6*
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September 3, 2025 at 10:23 AM
Wordle 1,537 2/6*
🟨⬛⬛🟨🟨
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My transition from “crocs are dumb” to “constantly wearing crocs” has been….alarmingly fast
July 11, 2025 at 11:36 AM
My transition from “crocs are dumb” to “constantly wearing crocs” has been….alarmingly fast
Wait why am I suddenly getting conspiracy theories presented to me on IG? I have never interacted with this content before
July 10, 2025 at 3:45 PM
Wait why am I suddenly getting conspiracy theories presented to me on IG? I have never interacted with this content before
Wally: that guy looks like you
Me: he must be very handsome then
Wally: No.
Me: he must be very handsome then
Wally: No.
July 3, 2025 at 8:25 PM
Wally: that guy looks like you
Me: he must be very handsome then
Wally: No.
Me: he must be very handsome then
Wally: No.
We have reached a point in geriatric cat care where we need to buy prescription food
July 3, 2025 at 12:50 PM
We have reached a point in geriatric cat care where we need to buy prescription food
Us: gets a puppy
Penny:
Penny:
a cartoon of a chicken nugget and a cup with a straw in it
ALT: a cartoon of a chicken nugget and a cup with a straw in it
media.tenor.com
June 28, 2025 at 11:08 PM
Us: gets a puppy
Penny:
Penny:
We have a new friend
June 25, 2025 at 12:50 PM
We have a new friend
Got our first watermelon of the year, and I might eat the entire thing tonight.
June 22, 2025 at 11:49 PM
Got our first watermelon of the year, and I might eat the entire thing tonight.
The internet seems to really believe I am in the market for fairly short shorts
June 21, 2025 at 7:34 PM
The internet seems to really believe I am in the market for fairly short shorts
The boys have been watching the Simpsons a lot recently, which means the five year old has discovered doing the Nelson laugh. It’s going great.
a cartoon character pointing at a building with the word ha on it
ALT: a cartoon character pointing at a building with the word ha on it
media.tenor.com
June 21, 2025 at 3:52 PM
The boys have been watching the Simpsons a lot recently, which means the five year old has discovered doing the Nelson laugh. It’s going great.
Penny is the most dramatic animal in the waiting room at the vet
June 19, 2025 at 10:22 PM
Penny is the most dramatic animal in the waiting room at the vet
Wordle 1,456 1/6*
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June 14, 2025 at 12:10 PM
Wordle 1,456 1/6*
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I am very confused by the fact that Instagram keeps giving me ads for hair products
June 4, 2025 at 11:56 PM
I am very confused by the fact that Instagram keeps giving me ads for hair products
“These pants are too tight for this conversation” might be my new motto #secretlivesofmormonwives
May 28, 2025 at 1:33 AM
“These pants are too tight for this conversation” might be my new motto #secretlivesofmormonwives
It’s really amazing how often I end conversations with my children by just saying “I dunno man, capitalism is a disaster”
May 16, 2025 at 12:32 PM
It’s really amazing how often I end conversations with my children by just saying “I dunno man, capitalism is a disaster”
Things that annoyed me at the half marathon this morning: all the people cheering positive things at me. No, I was NOT doing a great job.
When the guy at the finish line told me I wasn’t allowed to stop, and I had to keep going? That is what I needed
When the guy at the finish line told me I wasn’t allowed to stop, and I had to keep going? That is what I needed
May 4, 2025 at 5:38 PM
Things that annoyed me at the half marathon this morning: all the people cheering positive things at me. No, I was NOT doing a great job.
When the guy at the finish line told me I wasn’t allowed to stop, and I had to keep going? That is what I needed
When the guy at the finish line told me I wasn’t allowed to stop, and I had to keep going? That is what I needed