WASHINGTON—Despite the president’s sagging approval rating overall, a Gallup Poll released Tuesday confirmed that Donald Trump’s support remained overwhelmingly strong among working-class American pedophiles. “Even though his polling numbers among Americans who are not sexually attracted to children have hit a second-term low, the president’s approval rating is still an impressive 80% among child rapists […]

WASHINGTON—In the latest of a series of escalations in President Donald Trump’s highly publicized war on “woke,” the U.S. Department of Justice reportedly removed all mentions of justice from its webs...

WASHINGTON—After weeks of eliminating what many lawmakers called “frivolous” and “unnecessary” provisions, Congress reportedly passed a blank bill Thursday in which President Donald Trump can simply write whatever law he wants.  “Today we are sending to the president’s desk 200 completely clean sheets of paper that are hereby codified such that anything he chooses to […]

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the facade informs nearly every aspect of his daily life, Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) told reporters Thursday that his Christian faith is an important part of who he pretends to be. “Whether I’m delivering a speech calling for theocracy in front of dozens of cameras or talking to my children at the kitchen table […]

WASHINGTON—Disseminating grainy footage of the California Democrat meeting his disturbing and bloody end, Immigration and Customs Enforcement released a video Tuesday in which Gov. Gavin Newsom is see...

MIAMI—Groaning as he scrolled through the terms and conditions and agreed to hold the platform harmless in the event of a financial loss, local man Ben Tormos told reporters Monday that he couldn’t believe he had to download a stupid app just to bribe the president. “Why can’t bribing the president be as straightforward as […]

WASHINGTON—Vowing to restore and revitalize the facilities as a symbol of law, order, and justice, President Donald Trump ordered the U.S. government Monday to reopen Joann Fabrics and Crafts stores as federal prisons. “I am directing the Bureau of Prisons to use all 850 Joann locations to house America’s most ruthless and violent Offenders,” Trump wrote […]

WASHINGTON—Claiming that preservation efforts had impeded U.S. seafood production for far too long, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he had opened up the nation’s aquariums to commercial fishing. “Starting today, fishermen will finally be allowed to sail into America’s protected aquariums, drop a net in any marine exhibit they please, and begin trawling,” Trump […]

GREENBELT, MD—Decrying the deportation as “wholly lawless,” U.S. District Judge Paula Xinis ruled Monday that the Trump administration had three days to return her to the United States from a Salvadoran prison or face contempt of court charges. “Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents had no legal basis upon which to send me, a U.S. citizen […]

WASHINGTON—In a move designed to promote unity and establish efficiency at the federal level, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday making the nation’s official language remedial Eng...