FRIEND: you let your cat on the counter?

ME: no

FRIEND: then why is he on the counter?

ME: he’s a cat

Inside me are two wolves, and one of them is like “WHY are you on your speakerphone in public” and the other one is like “omg wait Greg did WHAT”

this only suggests to me that everyone needs to keep being meaner to those in power. the wealthy elite need to be scared

i feel like there should be a person who's job it is to show up the first day of shooting, sit the director and the cinematographer down in a room and say "whatever you're about to do, it does not need to be that dark."

Physically I'm not covered in pet hair, but emotionally I'm covered in pet hair

Also physically I'm covered in pet hair

I like to pretend to be a moderately sophisticated person, but the sheer idiot joy that Pitbull + Ke$ha bring to my broken brain via the song “Timber” makes me feel like I have a dark secret that could be uncovered by a call to a University Registrar somewhere

Every Thanksgiving I’m reminded how thankful I am to be from a family of eaters and nappers and not holiday morning 10k runners

One of the things I still don’t understand is how these tech bros can be pro-technology and anti science.

If you go to a Wicked showing and start singing they should be allowed to beat you with popcorn bags. Them babies came to hear Ariana Grande and Cynthia Eviro, not Pam from the community theater troupe. GROW UP.

We should also keep a registry of the Republican 🍆 sizes. It's biology after all.

The road to Hell is lined with women who tried to warn you