Texans: I see a lot of confusion about who to call for what. If it’s state legislation, call the purple numbers. If it’s federal, call the blue ones. Find yours at wrm.capitol.texas.gov

Ever so timely

They called him Sleepy Joe because we could sleep at night.

This week’s installment of small things that matter: Closed my #target debit card after 15 years. Became a #Costco member.

I’ve been needing quart sized ziplock bags for a few weeks and keep forgetting them at the store.

Last night I dreamt I opened my coat closet and it was stocked floor to ceiling with quart sized ziplocks. Upon seeing it, I screamed with delight.

This is adulthood. Dreams of ziplocks abounding.

I feel like there’s a 50/50 shot he signs an executive order extending January indefinitely tomorrow

You don’t always have to try your best, sometimes you can even try your worst just as a little treat

This is Fudge. She may not be the sharpest pup in the world, but more importantly, she is not a quitter. 13/10

You should be able to stream the noise level inside of a restaurant before you commit to a reservation

I love the people asking me what a salt bagel is. It’s a bagel with salt

Why are hamburger and tuna the only foods that need help?

Why is the second cup of coffee never as good?

marking myself "tentative" for this next meeting because I just ate a big plate of spaghetti

I love when people introduce their cats because it almost always comes with a little caveat at the end like this is Mrs. Strawberry Shortcake MD don’t ever turn your back on her if you know what’s good for you

I want my coffee so strong it would get me stripped of an Olympic gold medal four years from now

My timeline here begins with an introduction to the best boi.