When I say I don't want to have kids but I still want to be involved in their lives, this is what I mean

boss: are you planning to work today?

me: I already did

boss: no, you have to do it all day

me: what

interviewer: give me an example of a time when you took control of a situation

me: no, YOU give ME an example

interviewer: lol okay, that was pretty impressive

me: I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go

interviewer: *being led away by security* what is happening right now

When a baby is about to be born, someone always has to boil water. It's for the baby's first hot dogs.

hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine