I don’t see why reality should be allowed to affect me if I don’t want it to

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the newlyweds onto the floor for their first dance!

[Gregorian chants CD starts playing]

HEY IDIOT LET ME CUT DOWN YOUR UGLY TREE

Spent 5 minutes trying to get my dog's attention before I realised it was just a crudely-made papier-mache decoy. Ran to the window just in time to see my real dog driving off in my car

"ontology" is the study of placing one thing on top of, or onto, another thing

to me, certain things can be quite funny

four “pancakes”

Hotel breakfast buffet just ran out of toast. What else am I supposed to use to mop up my runny eggs? An owl? Is that what you're saying, that I should mop up my eggs with an owl?

you can only ever hear one deafening roar in your life so my advice is make it as enjoyable an experience as possible

In a pinch, a worm can serve as a makeshift mustache

The human eye can perceive over 700 different kinds of sandwich

Do you ever find your face slathered in aquaphor while the left half of you is dangling out of your inflatable jacuzzi bc you’re overheated but you’re reading about the deep & unexpected ways mathematical structures describe the physical world & then a spider crawls by & you’re like “hey I know him”