I get chocolate rocks from the store because it helps quell my desire to chew on aquarium gravel

Impromptu date night with my partner because she has never seen Spies in Disguise (2019)

We're 37 minutes in and all of the and all of the bird jokes are making her laugh so hard she's crying

There's nothin' better than a fart, cept' techbros gettin' clowned, maybe. Fuck, I could watch techbros gettin' clowned all day. I don't give a shit about your techbros.

Me: [knows NYE means New Years Eve]

Also me: New York Eity

It's 2025, can we please stop being irrationally afraid of driving over bridges?

I just wasted an extra half-an-hour longer than necessary stuck in traffic because people are scared if science and engineering.

Happy crisis to all who celebrate

Not me having to explain to my partner what NTR is after I made a joke about it being absolutely rampant in Greek Mythology

Gentle reminder btw that the "Fight for $15" has been going on so long that a liveable wage is now roughly $30.

When they told us raising the minimum wage would make everything more expensive it wasnt a warning it was a threat. And then they went ahead and raised prices anyways.

Unreliable narrator, but not in the sense that I lie or get details wrong, but in the sense that I have ADHD and can't focus on the right details in the first place.

I’ve forgotten to mention it because what even is social media anymore but DESERT BUS is happening. We’ve already raised $107,000 and have DAYS left to go. Tune in for nonsense and good times.

DesertBus.org

📷: @kolin.me

Imagine needing a W so badly you're willing to block someone over a 0.03 descrepency that could be chocked up to the author rounding for ease of reading when you got the ENTIRE question wrong to begin with

I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. So, when the fortune cookie I open before I go to work says "Don't panic!" I bring a towel with me to work.

I've read Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, I'm no fool

I was uninvited from all family gatherings when I told my uncle to go fuck himself for saying gay people, and their allies, should be stoned to death in the streets.

Apparently bigots *really* don't like it when you quote their own book at them to show they're being hypocritical fucks

Don't know who needs this but you can use Alexander Hamilton as the middle line of any Haiku

Today however feels like walking into a bar after a massive fight wound down, what the hell did I miss today?

Hey it's me, Sonic the Hedgehog!

Fuck the Supreme Court!

I am here and I have finally found a use for this domain.

My partners best friend has the orangest black cat I have ever met. Not two days ago he got a bee sting on his paw and it swelled up terribly and he is, today, still outsite trying to play with bees