*we lived in a hotel, hence the huge tub of butter, we weren't American.

Pete Hegseth accidentally flipping a skateboard into his nuts on live TV

Hey a thing I really don’t want to get lost here is that while Tylenol doesn’t cause autism, IT’S FINE TO BE AUTISTIC. Let’s not grant them the premise that autism should be eradicated in our way to correct the science, okay? Okay.

found this poem in a 2018 file in my notes app

There's a regular at one of my local karaoke nights who does duets with a puppet. Usually Under Pressure. He is not a ventriloquist but he does use a different voice for the puppet.

Dog sneezes get me every time

Phang: We don’t need the Ten Commandments hanging in Texas schools. What we need is common-sense gun legislation—so the kids can live.

If my kid goes to a public school in Texas and they can’t come home alive, I don’t give a shit about the Ten Commandments being posted on the wall.

They say you are never more than six feet away from a rat at any point but I often *feel* more than six feet away from my closest rat, who is very emotionally distant.

When that guy in gremlins 2 yells at someone, “DON’T TALK TO ME LIKE I’M CRAZY, I’M NOT CRAZY,” then turns around and says, elated, to someone else, “i was never crazy. I’m fine” that’s me every day to literally myself

I keep seeing these TikToks that say "One day you will bury your mother and you will realize you have lost the only person who wanted you to do better than them" and bitch how is this a targeted ad ya'll clearly never met my mother 💀