Wish I were one of Elon's kids so I'd never see him again

you hear Crouching Tiger and you're thinking, well that's gotta be the most fearsome and best camouflaged creature in this title,

women you better lower your standards or else i’m warning you i will become even more pathetic

thinking about becoming a real “tasteful nudes” guy

(Nothing to lose, no reason to hold back anymore.) My recent standup special “PATH OF MOST RESISTANCE” is really funny, with a low but completely organic human viewcount (none of the botnets, gamed algorithms, publicity machines, or other rightwing comedy advantages at play):

youtu.be/pJ5DFrdOyig

there’s something beautiful about stealing bored ape NFTs in December 2023. there’s absolutely no money in it, whoever did it just wanted to see the pathetic tweets it would produce. god bless them

Now that the strike is over I can finally talk about what I’ve been up to the last few months! Feeling very grateful 🙏🏻 #sagaftrastrong

main thing I want in a vehicle? hmm well it has to deflect arrows, that’s job 1, almost goes without saying; other than that I think it would be good if it could resemble an industrial oven hood as much as possible, and …. that’s about it

This isn't nearly forceful enough but it's the best I can do right now. The idea that random civilians in Gaza share some kind of collective responsibility for Hamas, or that it could be just to collectively punish them, is *impossible to reconcile* with our best moral and intellectual traditions

A really funny post 9/11 thing that happened was that the media got extremely invested in the narrative of the New York Yankees winning the world series that year symbolizing our national recovery from the attacks then they blew a save in game 7 and lost to the Arizona Diamondbacks.

a guy came into the bathroom, stood at the urinal, let out a loud and long fart, and then muttered “oh my god” under his breath. almost like he was disappointed in himself? I’ll think about him for the rest of my life.

I love getting old. every night my wife and I talk about which one of us is currently constipated then we watch one episode of television and I sleep badly under a pretty nice quilt.

i love 2 things pee wee herman and pee pee wormin' (using my penis to urinate)

If you’re in the market for a children’s book, maybe consider my beautifully illustrated book about lost loved ones and how they stay in our hearts forever? (Legally I can say it was illustrated beautifully because I did NOT draw it)