Whoever decided to Do Things over the holidays should be in jail. The holidays are for wearing a blanket and watching lord of the rings.

dunkins employee: careful, it's really hot

me: you too (spilling coffee everywhere trying to force the cup into a center console filled to the brim with pennies)

i'm sorry did you say Gregory or Greggelry

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15,000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

Pearl Jam by jeremy