Graham Bretman
@gbretman.bsky.social
I'm a Singer-Songwriter, I write songs about sewing machines
Doer of UxbridgeEnglishDictionary & One Liners
Doer of UxbridgeEnglishDictionary & One Liners
Pinned
Graham Bretman
@gbretman.bsky.social
· Aug 4
I've set up a charity for atheists
It's a non prophet organisation
It's a non prophet organisation
Reposted by Graham Bretman
The greatest trick the Breville ever pulled was convincing people they’d have more than two toasted sandwiches before putting it in a cupboard forever.
November 16, 2025 at 2:21 PM
The greatest trick the Breville ever pulled was convincing people they’d have more than two toasted sandwiches before putting it in a cupboard forever.
November 16, 2025 at 10:48 AM
November 16, 2025 at 10:41 AM
Reposted by Graham Bretman
The worst thing about being dumped by Paul Simon would be the way that it always rhymes.
November 15, 2025 at 6:01 PM
The worst thing about being dumped by Paul Simon would be the way that it always rhymes.
Reposted by Graham Bretman
I’ve sewn patches on my smoking jacket so now it’s just a jacket.
November 15, 2025 at 10:13 AM
I’ve sewn patches on my smoking jacket so now it’s just a jacket.
Reposted by Graham Bretman
Reposted by Graham Bretman
Thanks to iPhone batteries I now feel like a medieval knight as I don’t go anywhere without my trusty charger.
November 13, 2025 at 10:51 AM
Thanks to iPhone batteries I now feel like a medieval knight as I don’t go anywhere without my trusty charger.
#IfSomethingDoesntWork It's nothing I'm doing wrong..honest
a man sits at a desk in front of a computer with a picture on it
ALT: a man sits at a desk in front of a computer with a picture on it
media.tenor.com
November 13, 2025 at 8:43 AM
#IfSomethingDoesntWork It's nothing I'm doing wrong..honest
Post someone who looks great in a hat…
a man wearing a hat and scarf is standing next to a woman
ALT: a man wearing a hat and scarf is standing next to a woman
media.tenor.com
November 13, 2025 at 8:41 AM
Post someone who looks great in a hat…
Reposted by Graham Bretman
Apparently my personal trainer was actually telling me to do 100 crunches a day and now I’m even further away from having abs.
November 12, 2025 at 11:01 AM
Apparently my personal trainer was actually telling me to do 100 crunches a day and now I’m even further away from having abs.
Asked a Director friend for a part in his film about drug addicts
So he gave me a few lines to do
#LunchPun #Humoursky
So he gave me a few lines to do
#LunchPun #Humoursky
November 10, 2025 at 12:08 PM
Asked a Director friend for a part in his film about drug addicts
So he gave me a few lines to do
#LunchPun #Humoursky
So he gave me a few lines to do
#LunchPun #Humoursky
Reposted by Graham Bretman
I used to have a terrible phobia that I was being followed by a clown but now I can look back and laugh.
November 9, 2025 at 11:38 AM
I used to have a terrible phobia that I was being followed by a clown but now I can look back and laugh.
Reposted by Graham Bretman
"Roger Roger, Dennis Dennis" lovely little throwaway gag, that. #TheAbergeleFiles
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
The Abergele Files - Gold - BBC Sounds
The world's worst detective agency has come to North Wales. Relax, criminals.
www.bbc.co.uk
November 9, 2025 at 7:47 AM
"Roger Roger, Dennis Dennis" lovely little throwaway gag, that. #TheAbergeleFiles
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/...
Reposted by Graham Bretman
Did you know that if you stand in front of a mirror and chant ‘I can see you, Satan!’ three times a figure appears behind you and asks if you’d like to try those clothes in a different size?
November 9, 2025 at 10:11 AM
Did you know that if you stand in front of a mirror and chant ‘I can see you, Satan!’ three times a figure appears behind you and asks if you’d like to try those clothes in a different size?
Reposted by Graham Bretman
Somebody stole half my Bactrian Camel fancy dress outfit and now I’ve got the right hump.
November 8, 2025 at 11:40 AM
Somebody stole half my Bactrian Camel fancy dress outfit and now I’ve got the right hump.
Reposted by Graham Bretman
Can't wait until I can start my advent calendar. I'm counting down the days already.
November 7, 2025 at 5:48 PM
Can't wait until I can start my advent calendar. I'm counting down the days already.
Reposted by Graham Bretman
I was at a funeral and I really needed to fart for an hour. So after the funeral I farted for an hour.
November 7, 2025 at 11:55 AM
I was at a funeral and I really needed to fart for an hour. So after the funeral I farted for an hour.
November 7, 2025 at 8:59 AM
November 7, 2025 at 8:58 AM
November 7, 2025 at 8:58 AM