Gary Delaney Comedian
@garydelaney.bsky.social
I’m a British one liner comic. I’m quite rude. Lots of videos of my stuff on line. GaryDelaney.com for other stuff. Next tour probably 2025 or whenever I’ve finished writing it.
Apparently when they asked me to throw a guy on the bonfire they actually meant some sort of effigy. Awkward.
January 24, 2026 at 10:09 AM
Apparently when they asked me to throw a guy on the bonfire they actually meant some sort of effigy. Awkward.
When someone tells me to put on my big boy pants I always think how do they know what’s written on my pants?
January 18, 2026 at 11:34 AM
When someone tells me to put on my big boy pants I always think how do they know what’s written on my pants?
Does anyone know what I should do with my cat at night? Just putting it out there.
January 17, 2026 at 4:58 PM
Does anyone know what I should do with my cat at night? Just putting it out there.
During the pandemic I used to go out on the street at 8am to clap for GP Receptionists.
January 17, 2026 at 2:20 PM
During the pandemic I used to go out on the street at 8am to clap for GP Receptionists.
Yes I am a capable person.
*puts on cape*
*puts on cape*
January 16, 2026 at 3:44 PM
Yes I am a capable person.
*puts on cape*
*puts on cape*
I’ve started having a spoon of apple cider vinegar with meals to help me lose weight. Except instead of apple cider vinegar it’s normal vinegar and instead of on a spoon it’s on chips.
January 16, 2026 at 12:14 PM
I’ve started having a spoon of apple cider vinegar with meals to help me lose weight. Except instead of apple cider vinegar it’s normal vinegar and instead of on a spoon it’s on chips.
Can circumcisions be carried out at any age or is there a cut-off point?
January 15, 2026 at 6:56 PM
Can circumcisions be carried out at any age or is there a cut-off point?
As a mad scientist I think my biggest bugbear is probably about to destroy to Tokyo.
January 14, 2026 at 10:59 AM
As a mad scientist I think my biggest bugbear is probably about to destroy to Tokyo.
2026 is the year I finally get to live my dreams. So now I’m going to resit my A levels naked.
January 11, 2026 at 2:06 PM
2026 is the year I finally get to live my dreams. So now I’m going to resit my A levels naked.
I once appeared on page 4 of the Sun. When I put the picture in my scrapbook I glued it the wrong way round and made a right tit of myself.
January 11, 2026 at 12:32 PM
I once appeared on page 4 of the Sun. When I put the picture in my scrapbook I glued it the wrong way round and made a right tit of myself.
Does anyone have any tips on how to tie people to railway tracks? Asking for a fiend.
January 9, 2026 at 1:25 PM
Does anyone have any tips on how to tie people to railway tracks? Asking for a fiend.
Someone told me I look good with a salt ‘n’ pepper beard so I took that as a condiment.
January 4, 2026 at 10:38 AM
Someone told me I look good with a salt ‘n’ pepper beard so I took that as a condiment.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop seeking approval all the time, if that’s ok with everyone.
January 2, 2026 at 1:55 PM
My New Year’s resolution is to stop seeking approval all the time, if that’s ok with everyone.
I was going to use the StairMaster today but the gym’s on the top floor and the lift’s broken.
January 2, 2026 at 11:07 AM
I was going to use the StairMaster today but the gym’s on the top floor and the lift’s broken.
I'm doing Vagueanuary. l've given something up. I'm just not sure what it is.
January 1, 2026 at 7:03 PM
I'm doing Vagueanuary. l've given something up. I'm just not sure what it is.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop being premature.
December 31, 2025 at 4:39 PM
My New Year’s resolution is to stop being premature.
Croutons are the best thing since diced bread
December 31, 2025 at 1:20 PM
Croutons are the best thing since diced bread
Just got into an argument over who gets the last camel outfit for the New Year’s Eve fancy dress party. I suggested we split it and now he’s got the right hump
December 30, 2025 at 12:14 PM
Just got into an argument over who gets the last camel outfit for the New Year’s Eve fancy dress party. I suggested we split it and now he’s got the right hump
Probably my worst Halloween was when a witch cursed me to not have the ability to make seasonal jokes at the right time of year.
December 30, 2025 at 10:47 AM
Probably my worst Halloween was when a witch cursed me to not have the ability to make seasonal jokes at the right time of year.
I no longer make cheap jokes about what my testicles look like as I consider them to be low hanging fruit.
December 29, 2025 at 3:31 PM
I no longer make cheap jokes about what my testicles look like as I consider them to be low hanging fruit.
Does anyone know if it's safe to dye my pubes? It's a bit of a grey area.
December 27, 2025 at 12:44 PM
Does anyone know if it's safe to dye my pubes? It's a bit of a grey area.
This year instead of wasting money on presents I sent a goat to a village in Africa. He had a lovely time, and wants to go again this year.
December 24, 2025 at 10:47 AM
This year instead of wasting money on presents I sent a goat to a village in Africa. He had a lovely time, and wants to go again this year.
There’s no such things as a stupid question only stupid people asking questions.
December 22, 2025 at 3:18 PM
There’s no such things as a stupid question only stupid people asking questions.
How comes it’s OK for Father Christmas to sneak into people’s bedrooms at night to leave gifts but I’m ’taking Secret Santa too far’?
December 22, 2025 at 9:49 AM
How comes it’s OK for Father Christmas to sneak into people’s bedrooms at night to leave gifts but I’m ’taking Secret Santa too far’?
I had a bit of an embarrassing moment recently I was at a swingers party with someone I shouldn’t have been with and was accidentally filmed listening to Coldplay.
December 20, 2025 at 11:36 AM
I had a bit of an embarrassing moment recently I was at a swingers party with someone I shouldn’t have been with and was accidentally filmed listening to Coldplay.