Gary Delaney Comedian
@garydelaney.bsky.social
I’m a British one liner comic. I’m quite rude. Lots of videos of my stuff on line. GaryDelaney.com for other stuff. Next tour probably 2025 or whenever I’ve finished writing it.
A great way to find out your porn name is to look at your latest statement from Only Fans.
November 10, 2025 at 10:33 AM
A great way to find out your porn name is to look at your latest statement from Only Fans.
I used to have a terrible phobia that I was being followed by a clown but now I can look back and laugh.
November 9, 2025 at 11:38 AM
I used to have a terrible phobia that I was being followed by a clown but now I can look back and laugh.
Did you know that if you stand in front of a mirror and chant ‘I can see you, Satan!’ three times a figure appears behind you and asks if you’d like to try those clothes in a different size?
November 9, 2025 at 10:11 AM
Did you know that if you stand in front of a mirror and chant ‘I can see you, Satan!’ three times a figure appears behind you and asks if you’d like to try those clothes in a different size?
Somebody stole half my Bactrian Camel fancy dress outfit and now I’ve got the right hump.
November 8, 2025 at 11:40 AM
Somebody stole half my Bactrian Camel fancy dress outfit and now I’ve got the right hump.
Can't wait until I can start my advent calendar. I'm counting down the days already.
November 7, 2025 at 5:48 PM
Can't wait until I can start my advent calendar. I'm counting down the days already.
I was at a funeral and I really needed to fart for an hour. So after the funeral I farted for an hour.
November 7, 2025 at 11:55 AM
I was at a funeral and I really needed to fart for an hour. So after the funeral I farted for an hour.
A funeral procession is like Pride for goths
November 6, 2025 at 12:27 PM
A funeral procession is like Pride for goths
When someone is moving into a bungalow apparently a slinky is a not a good choice of house warming present.
November 6, 2025 at 10:30 AM
When someone is moving into a bungalow apparently a slinky is a not a good choice of house warming present.
When this film warned it contained adult themes I was hoping for more about sex and less about mortgages.
November 5, 2025 at 6:10 PM
When this film warned it contained adult themes I was hoping for more about sex and less about mortgages.
Rememberance, remembrance the fifth of Novemberance.
November 5, 2025 at 4:45 PM
Rememberance, remembrance the fifth of Novemberance.
I'm not sure who I'm to be cast as in our pantomime production of Quasimodo but let's just say I've got a hunch.
November 5, 2025 at 1:13 PM
I'm not sure who I'm to be cast as in our pantomime production of Quasimodo but let's just say I've got a hunch.
As a mad scientist I think my biggest bugbear is probably destroying Tokyo.
November 4, 2025 at 6:04 PM
As a mad scientist I think my biggest bugbear is probably destroying Tokyo.
Most people compare themselves to others too much. Whereas I don’t do that.
November 4, 2025 at 10:14 AM
Most people compare themselves to others too much. Whereas I don’t do that.
My therapist said I’m prone to catastrophising. That’s bad, isn’t it? It sounds bad.
November 3, 2025 at 4:33 PM
My therapist said I’m prone to catastrophising. That’s bad, isn’t it? It sounds bad.
The old lady who lives next door to me died this morning so now I haven’t got to buy milk for three weeks.
November 2, 2025 at 12:55 PM
The old lady who lives next door to me died this morning so now I haven’t got to buy milk for three weeks.
When I was burgled and the police didn’t want to investigate I had to take the law into my own hands. Well I say that, I offered to toss off a copper if he’d look into it.
October 29, 2025 at 11:49 AM
When I was burgled and the police didn’t want to investigate I had to take the law into my own hands. Well I say that, I offered to toss off a copper if he’d look into it.
Lorry driver joke from my second Live at the Apollo. New tour drops on Halloween. Link in bio.
October 28, 2025 at 11:15 AM
Lorry driver joke from my second Live at the Apollo. New tour drops on Halloween. Link in bio.
One time I got so relaxed during a massage I shat myself and I think that’s why they call it being pampered.
October 28, 2025 at 10:44 AM
One time I got so relaxed during a massage I shat myself and I think that’s why they call it being pampered.
I always feel sad when I see athletes drinking Lucozade. I can’t believe they still have to race when they’re feeling poorly.
October 25, 2025 at 9:00 AM
I always feel sad when I see athletes drinking Lucozade. I can’t believe they still have to race when they’re feeling poorly.
If anyone is on the lookout for a King Charles impersonator I’m all ears
October 24, 2025 at 1:05 PM
If anyone is on the lookout for a King Charles impersonator I’m all ears
Whenever I watch Scandy police dramas I always think ‘That’s a fair cop’.
October 24, 2025 at 12:36 PM
Whenever I watch Scandy police dramas I always think ‘That’s a fair cop’.
I spilled my drink on the Best Man’s notes and left him speechless.
October 23, 2025 at 1:42 PM
I spilled my drink on the Best Man’s notes and left him speechless.
Inside every fat Russian is a thin Russian trying to get out. And inside them is an even thinner Russian and ….
October 23, 2025 at 1:41 PM
Inside every fat Russian is a thin Russian trying to get out. And inside them is an even thinner Russian and ….
Losing weight by taking loads of cocaine is known as the high fiver diet.
October 21, 2025 at 1:59 PM
Losing weight by taking loads of cocaine is known as the high fiver diet.
I used to work in a toy factory and on the last day of term we were always allowed to bring in textbooks.
October 21, 2025 at 10:14 AM
I used to work in a toy factory and on the last day of term we were always allowed to bring in textbooks.