Gary Delaney Comedian
@garydelaney.bsky.social
I’m a British one liner comic. I’m quite rude. Lots of videos of my stuff on line. GaryDelaney.com for other stuff. Next tour probably 2025 or whenever I’ve finished writing it.
Someone told me I look good with a salt ‘n’ pepper beard so I took that as a condiment.
January 4, 2026 at 10:38 AM
Someone told me I look good with a salt ‘n’ pepper beard so I took that as a condiment.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop seeking approval all the time, if that’s ok with everyone.
January 2, 2026 at 1:55 PM
My New Year’s resolution is to stop seeking approval all the time, if that’s ok with everyone.
I was going to use the StairMaster today but the gym’s on the top floor and the lift’s broken.
January 2, 2026 at 11:07 AM
I was going to use the StairMaster today but the gym’s on the top floor and the lift’s broken.
I'm doing Vagueanuary. l've given something up. I'm just not sure what it is.
January 1, 2026 at 7:03 PM
I'm doing Vagueanuary. l've given something up. I'm just not sure what it is.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop being premature.
December 31, 2025 at 4:39 PM
My New Year’s resolution is to stop being premature.
Croutons are the best thing since diced bread
December 31, 2025 at 1:20 PM
Croutons are the best thing since diced bread
Just got into an argument over who gets the last camel outfit for the New Year’s Eve fancy dress party. I suggested we split it and now he’s got the right hump
December 30, 2025 at 12:14 PM
Just got into an argument over who gets the last camel outfit for the New Year’s Eve fancy dress party. I suggested we split it and now he’s got the right hump
Probably my worst Halloween was when a witch cursed me to not have the ability to make seasonal jokes at the right time of year.
December 30, 2025 at 10:47 AM
Probably my worst Halloween was when a witch cursed me to not have the ability to make seasonal jokes at the right time of year.
I no longer make cheap jokes about what my testicles look like as I consider them to be low hanging fruit.
December 29, 2025 at 3:31 PM
I no longer make cheap jokes about what my testicles look like as I consider them to be low hanging fruit.
Does anyone know if it's safe to dye my pubes? It's a bit of a grey area.
December 27, 2025 at 12:44 PM
Does anyone know if it's safe to dye my pubes? It's a bit of a grey area.
This year instead of wasting money on presents I sent a goat to a village in Africa. He had a lovely time, and wants to go again this year.
December 24, 2025 at 10:47 AM
This year instead of wasting money on presents I sent a goat to a village in Africa. He had a lovely time, and wants to go again this year.
There’s no such things as a stupid question only stupid people asking questions.
December 22, 2025 at 3:18 PM
There’s no such things as a stupid question only stupid people asking questions.
How comes it’s OK for Father Christmas to sneak into people’s bedrooms at night to leave gifts but I’m ’taking Secret Santa too far’?
December 22, 2025 at 9:49 AM
How comes it’s OK for Father Christmas to sneak into people’s bedrooms at night to leave gifts but I’m ’taking Secret Santa too far’?
I had a bit of an embarrassing moment recently I was at a swingers party with someone I shouldn’t have been with and was accidentally filmed listening to Coldplay.
December 20, 2025 at 11:36 AM
I had a bit of an embarrassing moment recently I was at a swingers party with someone I shouldn’t have been with and was accidentally filmed listening to Coldplay.
Who called them ouija board not ghost writers?
December 20, 2025 at 10:20 AM
Who called them ouija board not ghost writers?
I entered a competition to see who was the most considerate lover. I came second.
December 19, 2025 at 3:17 PM
I entered a competition to see who was the most considerate lover. I came second.
I was fired from my last job for having sexual relations in the workplace. Nowadays people are so strict at the morgue
December 18, 2025 at 9:22 AM
I was fired from my last job for having sexual relations in the workplace. Nowadays people are so strict at the morgue
I saw a one man band fall down a flight of stairs earlier but don’t worry, it sounds lot worse than it actually is.
December 17, 2025 at 2:27 PM
I saw a one man band fall down a flight of stairs earlier but don’t worry, it sounds lot worse than it actually is.
Whenever we play Scrabble it always degenerates into a big tile fight and then tears. It’s all fun and games until somebody loses an I.
December 11, 2025 at 3:24 PM
Whenever we play Scrabble it always degenerates into a big tile fight and then tears. It’s all fun and games until somebody loses an I.
Don’t forget to put your advent calendar forward a day.
December 10, 2025 at 3:34 PM
Don’t forget to put your advent calendar forward a day.
For world book day I made a hat covered in books but didn’t wear it as I felt too shelf-conscious.
December 9, 2025 at 12:44 PM
For world book day I made a hat covered in books but didn’t wear it as I felt too shelf-conscious.
It was so quiet in the grenade museum you could hear a pin drop.
December 9, 2025 at 10:48 AM
It was so quiet in the grenade museum you could hear a pin drop.
If you’re seeking revenge you should dig two graves. Just in case an innocent bystander sees you digging the first grave.
December 8, 2025 at 12:50 PM
If you’re seeking revenge you should dig two graves. Just in case an innocent bystander sees you digging the first grave.
Of all assassins the most deadly was the Ninja who would creep silently into people’s houses in the dead of night and cook sausages from frozen in 12 minutes.
December 8, 2025 at 10:13 AM
Of all assassins the most deadly was the Ninja who would creep silently into people’s houses in the dead of night and cook sausages from frozen in 12 minutes.
A great way to figure out if you’d look good with a turtleneck is to ask yourself the question ‘Am I a turtle?’ If the answer’s ‘No’ then you wouldn’t.
December 7, 2025 at 12:33 PM
A great way to figure out if you’d look good with a turtleneck is to ask yourself the question ‘Am I a turtle?’ If the answer’s ‘No’ then you wouldn’t.