FIXTURES pen and (computer) paper style.

Roll on 25th April 🏏

3.1 Hazlewood to Crawley, no run. Well left. Hazlewood tempted him with a ball outside off stump, but the big man Crawley shoulders arms . Disciplined.

Man in the crowd there, three cans of Kestrel down by 11.15am. Superb. He’ll probably think he’s a Kestrel by noon.

3.3 Hazlewood to Crawley, no run. Pitching on middle, straightening. Crawley is square on in defense.

56 pints a week. Did they drink on Sundays? Sod it, it’s the weekend. Let’s say 70.
Of course, back then beer was safer to drink than water. But imagine the scenes by Thursday.

3.5 Hazlewood to Duckett, no run. Sightscreen Issue. Hold on, play is held up. Someone is moving behind the arm. Duckett is visibly frustrated. It’s the Kestrel!

The monks come round on a bender

Wassha dun to yer hair…
Benedict, youz so fiiiiine. Chastity Shashtitty.

3.6 Hazlewood to Duckett, no run. Duckett solid block. Rare discipline on show. Like that of a sober monk.

Monk. Monkey Monk. Monkey Monkey Monkeson. Thash your name. Like a monkey. Ooo-ooo-arr-arr. That was my Monkey impresshon. You do one. Ooo-ooo-aaa-bleeeurgh.

England 11-0. I need a lie down.

2.1 Starc to Crawley, no run. Plenty of chatter from the slips - chirping away at Crawley, trying to get inside his head.

He stares them down, still grinning, like the Jolly Blonde Giant he is.

Pure Chirp from Marnus. Chirpy McChirpFace.

2.2 Starc to Crawley, 1 run.

Pushed into the gap at point for a comfortable single.

I used to be comfortably single...

Crawley looms over Duckett. Yo-ho-ho, green giant. That theme tune is in my head now. One from the old days.

2.4 Starc to Duckett, no run. Good response from Starc, angling it across the left-hander.

Yeah, but you had TikTok, right? No internet.

You witness what can only be described as self-implosion. Like that Nazi face melting scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

2.5 Starc to Duckett, EDGED... but safe! Just short of the slip cordon.

Four TV channels. You really latched onto programmes — they were an event. Mark the calendar. Book the VHS. Circle the VideoPlus in the Radio Times. Don’t tape over Eurotrash from last night, I haven’t ‘used’ it yet.

2.6 Starc to Duckett, 1 run. Tucked off the hip for a single to keep the strike. A classic nurdle.

And the adverts also just stick in your mind. Especially the ones with catchy theme tunes...

The situation 18 balls in. Do you like my scoreboard? Might jazz it up on Canva later. 🧑🎨

Follow #TheEternalTest each day and you'll almost certainly survive 'til lunch.

Marvellous Stuff.

1.5 Hazlewood to Duckett, no run. Beaten outside off stump. Beauty.

Definitely in the covers I’d say. Some trouble getting the ball out of their mouth though. Probably run 12.

Derek from Northants asks;

‘what kind of dog would Gary Pratt be?’

Derek. We will revisit this.

0.4 Absolute Starc wanger that fizzes through. Completely uneccessary extravagent leave from Crawley, but I love it. Holds the pose as well, arms raised, bat aloft, like some pale faced matador. The 'pose hold' should be mandatory for all leaves, edges and middle stump uproots.

0.1.1 IT'S NOT GOING TO BE OK! Starc, remembering to release the ball this time, sends it down. A beauty, top of off. One to leave well alone. Creepy though has a massive waft. You just knew it.

Bethell picks up his pads. Crawley grins. Duckett grins back. Dudes.

DAY 1 MORNING SESSION: Here come the Aussies, Lam-boo-shane's teeth chattering...you're not in (searches funniest Australian place names) HUMPYBONG now mate.

Little and Large follow. Any other couples with such an obvious height difference?

First ball...

Morning everyone, it's time for the TOSS. Stokesy and Cumminsy inspect the pitch here at Scarborough as the coastal sea fret drifts in.

Already I can sense you have questions...