Follow #TheEternalTest each day and you'll almost certainly survive 'til lunch.

1.1 Hazlewood to Duckett, no run. Hazlewood starts with immaculate length. Duckett shoulders arms, rather like I did last night when the wife tried to hug me after a sweaty dog walk.

DAY 1 MORNING SESSION: Here come the Aussies, Lam-boo-shane's teeth chattering...you're not in (searches funniest Australian place names) HUMPYBONG now mate.

Little and Large follow. Any other couples with such an obvious height difference?

First ball...

Morning everyone, it's time for the TOSS. Stokesy and Cumminsy inspect the pitch here at Scarborough as the coastal sea fret drifts in.

Already I can sense you have questions...

Welcome to the first day of #theeternaltest, played in the alternative cricketing multiverse of my brain.