I like to think I’d be tough to break during an interrogation, but also I will literally cry if I accidentally think about what a good boy my dog is too hard so honestly idk

Sometimes I’ll go get coffee and tell them my name is Frodo, that way when it’s ready they go “large Americano…for Frodo” and then I answer “For Frodo!” and nobody laughs and then I take my coffee and go drink it alone in my car

Call me old fashioned but I still believe that a traditional marriage should be between one person who wraps presents with the the precision of a Vulcan samurai eye surgeon, and another hopeless goblin person who doesn’t even know how scissors work

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing “Highway to the manger zone.”

The first and most important step when using an oven is to preheat all the pans you store in there to 425.

What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?

Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date*

McDonalds drive-thru employee: what

I am thankful for those writing and promoting honest and thoughtful reporting and those who are courageously standing up for human rights.

Just making a post to mark my account as real. Hello world.