They call me The Godfather the way I'm gonna have a Coppola beers after work

My son is afraid a hummingbird might rip through his body at 9000mph. Can any professionals on here tell him he is stupid and full of shit

This probably isn’t the developers’ top priority (although it should be), but I’d love to see the Bluesky app have an option to switch to the Julian calendar for those of us who reject the lies of Pope Gregory XIII

doing an akira slide into the room on a horse, breaking all of its legs

Remember, one day we’ll read his obituary

Laying down? Peak, top tier. Falling asleep? Worse than torture

I sincerely don’t know why people aren’t physically stopping those dorks. Move shit. Lock doors. Lose the keys. Everyone switch seats. Turn off all the lights. Switch the signs on the elevator lobby. Make the settings all silly. Use a different language. Wear costumes. Fill rooms with balloons

Asking “what are we?” to bring the whole orgy to a screeching halt

Trying to find the balance between “they’re destroying the planet” and “how are they making all this money”

The big divide in the cryptid hunting community is between people who want to find a cryptid so they can eat it and people who want to find a cryptid so they can have sex with it

So when do we think he’s gonna grow the mustache

NO!!! I will NOT piss off.

I would however HAVE a piss off. Too competitive to turn it down

Telling my doctor I stubbed my toe “worse than anyone ever has” in hopes of an 8 month Percoset prescription

I zip up my pants and pat the back of the guy next to me at the urinals. “Better luck next time,” I say

Kicking off this account with my classic little guys