if you wake up a hibernating girl she can kill you

you can tell a lot about a person based on whether they use lamps (balanced, gracious, empathetic) or overhead lights (chaotic, deranged, murderer)

Pleading insanity in small claims court.

Editor: look man, you can't just keep making random stuff ev-

Stephen King: [dropping 873-page manuscript on his desk] it's about an evil parking lot

I am a wretched thing, cursed to wander the earth for all eternity, never resting, beset by normies who don’t get the joke

Dentist just told me that he needs to put me down.

there are no cool billionaires bc no decent person would become a billionaire

when you moisturize and you’re too slippery to open the bathroom door? that’s your slime time. you can use it however you want.