I’m just saying that when it happens I’m jumping out of bed, running to my window, and tossing a coin to a boy to buy the biggest goose in town

Sorry Superman ain't flying around, randomly putting brown people in swamp prisons. That must be hard for you. Thoughts and prayers and whatnot.

My statement on Donald Trump's threat to deport me and his praise for Eric Adams, who the President "helped out" of legal accountability.

illegal war started by a man constitutionally ineligible to be president

this is like drake and kendrick lamar but they're both drake

Popes are chosen by God, making them the ultimate Dei hire

CEOs upset about Trump’s tariffs sound like mob bosses shouting “I thought we had a deal!” at the Joker.

"The way I was taught is, if your family were immigrants to this country and came for a better life, the price you pay for that is you can never say that 'no one else is welcome.' That is what America was built on," said the Dropkick Murphys frontman Ken Casey.

The thing about American reactionaries online is that they’re like “under a true Christian monarch, the West will flourish with the enlightened guidance of a philosopher king…” and it’s meant to justify supporting a senile gameshow host and a drug-addled manchild who cheats at Diablo.

Oh, man, not Gene Hackman.

2025 can just fuck right off.

Okay. Let me tell you a little bit about Gene Hackman...

Wish I were one of Elon's kids so I'd never see him again

He’s gonna call Elon next and give him $8 for a blue check 😂😂😂

if we stopped debating whether democrats should run more to the center or less to the center for five goddamn minutes, maybe we could discuss what to do about a republic where public trust is so eroded that overt villainy is the most consistently successful electoral strategy at the national level

Maybe we were too hard on JJ Abrams for "Somehow Palpatine returned."