You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!
October 28, 2025 at 2:34 AM
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress."
September 15, 2025 at 4:17 PM
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress."
If you were a pony express rider, and you were shot at by indians and attacked by a bear, it would probably make you sick to open one of your letters and see how stupid it was.
November 11, 2024 at 4:43 PM
If you were a pony express rider, and you were shot at by indians and attacked by a bear, it would probably make you sick to open one of your letters and see how stupid it was.
It's important to keep your dignity. But is it worth not getting a dollar?
November 4, 2024 at 5:17 PM
It's important to keep your dignity. But is it worth not getting a dollar?
if you ever make a statue of me, have a button that you can press that makes me kick.
November 1, 2024 at 4:47 PM
if you ever make a statue of me, have a button that you can press that makes me kick.
Reposted by Jack Handey
Ever read something & just know you’re gonna remember it, the next time you’re in a particular situation?
Like, just sitting at a regular opera
Like, just sitting at a regular opera
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
November 1, 2024 at 4:39 PM
Ever read something & just know you’re gonna remember it, the next time you’re in a particular situation?
Like, just sitting at a regular opera
Like, just sitting at a regular opera
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
October 31, 2024 at 9:40 PM
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
October 28, 2024 at 8:26 PM
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
Reposted by Jack Handey
This actually reminds me of one of my favorite Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey:
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
March 20, 2024 at 12:52 PM
This actually reminds me of one of my favorite Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey:
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
Reposted by Jack Handey
"I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, 'Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?' or 'Do you have that $50 you borrowed?' Man, quit being so cheap!" - Jack Handey
July 6, 2024 at 12:06 PM
"I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, 'Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?' or 'Do you have that $50 you borrowed?' Man, quit being so cheap!" - Jack Handey
Reposted by Jack Handey
“It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs” — Jack Handey
January 28, 2024 at 9:38 PM
“It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs” — Jack Handey
Reposted by Jack Handey
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
Jack Handey
Jack Handey
August 8, 2023 at 10:22 AM
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
Jack Handey
Jack Handey
Reposted by Jack Handey
Reminds me of the Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey bit: “My favorite uncle was always Uncle Caveman. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave, and every now and then he’d eat one of us. Later on, we figured out he was a bear.”
October 14, 2024 at 9:16 PM
Reminds me of the Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey bit: “My favorite uncle was always Uncle Caveman. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave, and every now and then he’d eat one of us. Later on, we figured out he was a bear.”
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
October 18, 2024 at 5:30 PM
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
October 17, 2024 at 4:58 PM
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."
October 16, 2024 at 4:40 PM
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
October 15, 2024 at 3:44 PM
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
October 11, 2024 at 4:06 PM
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
October 10, 2024 at 3:58 PM
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
October 9, 2024 at 9:14 PM
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate works-"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
October 8, 2024 at 3:47 PM
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate works-"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
October 7, 2024 at 4:39 PM
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
When we were kids, I used to make fun of my friend Kevin whenever he had to go to his piano lesson. But look where he is now and look where I am. Actually, I don't know where his is now. But look where I am, that's my point.
October 4, 2024 at 3:17 PM
When we were kids, I used to make fun of my friend Kevin whenever he had to go to his piano lesson. But look where he is now and look where I am. Actually, I don't know where his is now. But look where I am, that's my point.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.
October 3, 2024 at 3:23 PM
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.