actually a lot of innocent people write birthday letters to child sex traffickers in which they repeatedly reference the secrets they share

When they came for the wockaflockas I did nothing, because I was not a wockaflocka.

When they came for the whatnots I did nothing, because I was not a whatnot.

Y'all know how the rest of the damn poem goes. Wake up, America.

Congratulations to New York City the home of the famous water for pizza dough

First pour after having not made espresso-based drinks in over 3 months...I was shocked how well it came out. #CoffeeFeed

It's December and I just remembered that my New Year's resolution was to not forget my New Year's resolution.

A tweet of mine from February 2013:

"Wow. I just realized that Twitter is incredibly stupid."

It's even more true today than it was then.

For my first post I'd like to repost an early tweet of mine from 2010 (somehow it is as relevant as ever):

"I now have twitter followers. They are my servants, they must do whatever I tell them. Now please, stop bothering me. I really hate twitter."