Jesus, can you hear me? Good, the comms are working. Now, you're gonna need to run if you want to evade those Roman soldiers. Hold down A to sprint. Go ahead and try it. ... Good work! You just might be the savior yet. Now pick up that AR-15 and let's do some target practice.

I, the poet John Darnielle,
with old MacBook and nerves of steel,
and proceeds from my work on Hinge
for people trying to not come off cringe
restored this castle; why the hell not;
and may this castle, which I bought,
inspire more poets to get paid
by folks who need help getting laid

look I know "it would be funny if I got mega rich off this" sounds like a hustle but you have to admit "John Darnielle now lives in a castle he bought with the proceeds from writing people's Hinge profiles" would be very funny

the true spirit of Christmas is the pleasure we collectively take in Mike Johnson feeling discouraged

I’ve seen several Godzilla flicks in the theater over the past few years and you can feel, viscerally, that we are all praying for Godzilla to rise from the sea and give us what we deserve

I was texting my wife that I was having a little bit of a hard time out on my errands so I was going to treat myself to a bbq sides plate and this is what spell correct suggested when it didn’t understand “treat myself”

the long 9/11 is finally OVER, baby!!!!!!!

if I'm not supposed to break the heart why is it already breaky. feel like it says what I'm supposed to do right there on the tin

Reverse therian

Delicately questioning the person who "only listens to video game music" to figure out whether they're a prog rock fan who doesn't know it or an instrumental jazz fan who doesn't know it.

Me when I’m forced to stay late cause work is really busy

What do we want?
ALTERNATE WIN CONDITIONS!
When do we want 'em?
AFTER YOU'VE SQUANDERED AN HOUR OF YOUR TIME

yuritober day 9 but there's a bunch of doggies this time

If you know basic kabbalah it's actually not too hard to make a golem out of a labubu. Don't recommend it though. They have a pre-existing body-dharma. As soon as they wake they run straight for the sea. V hard to counter. Lost the first one. No idea what it's doing out there. Moved like lightning.

she wears short skirts/I am squidward/she's cheer captain/and I am squidward

Can't I'm busy this weekend