the person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, gunther

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

just from a folklore point of view, "attractive hooded man kills billionaire head of hated business with bullets inscribed with political slogans and then vanishes" is narratively breathtaking

Interviewer: Says here u invest in real estate. How's the market?
Me: [picturing the bouncy castle in my yard]
Oh, it has its ups and downs.

"While the total rate of fatal accidents per billion miles driven by all vehicles was 2.8, Tesla vehicles overall had a rate of 5.6. Tesla’s Model Y SUV had fatal accident rate of 10.6, more than double the average for SUVs, which was 4.8."

sherwood.news/business/tes...

We were so busy creating new apples because we could, we didn’t ask if we should.

Reconnecting with the Twitter homies on Bluesky

This is why nobody reads the New Yorker.

Lost my job as an Old West saloon piano player when a mysterious stranger walked in the door and I just kept playing

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

[GOD INVENTING THE WEASEL]

You know what we need? An otter you can't fucking trust.