swamperson.bsky.social
@swamperson.bsky.social
hastwt 🫶
Reposted
Pope Francis Warns Seals On Jesus’ Tomb Are Weakening
theonion.com/pope-fr...
Pope Francis Warns Seals On Jesus’ Tomb Are Weakening
VATICAN CITY—As he called on the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics to pray for the bonds restraining the messiah to hold fast, Pope Francis warned Tuesday that the seals on Jesus’ tomb were weakening and Christ could escape at any moment. “Citizens of the world, brace yourselves, for soon the Risen Lord will roam the earth anew, unleashing death and destruction on everything in His path,” said the pontiff, adding that the Vatican had worked for centuries to keep Jesus safely bound and locked away in His crypt, but Church teachings had long foretold He would one day come again to visit His murderous wrath upon the children of God. “The death toll could be in the millions. Once Jesus has broken free, no mortal force can contain Him, and He will not rest until His ravenous blood lust has been sated. As we speak, our most powerful cardinals are in the catacombs blessing the seals with all their might, but we don’t know how long they can hold Him back. The King of Kings has finally been roused from His ancient slumber and is ready to feed.” At press time, Pope Francis was reportedly yelling for everyone to save themselves after Jesus had burst forth from His tomb and devoured a group of Swiss Guards that was futilely stabbing Him with their pikes.
theonion.com
April 19, 2025 at 8:00 PM
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he might be a finance and wall street guy but he has unmatched aura
April 12, 2025 at 4:16 PM
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"We had two tragic deaths in the House Democratic Caucus; had those deaths not occurred last month, Republicans could not have even passed the bill today," Hakeem Jeffries says.

What he doesn't mention is both deaths were of politicians in their 70s. One had cancer but ran for re-election anyway.
April 10, 2025 at 5:11 PM
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Maybe trusting the economy with a guy who sat in a 10-year-old car and said “wow everything computer” was a bad idea
April 10, 2025 at 5:30 PM
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fell for it again award
April 10, 2025 at 5:20 PM
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Happy National Cocky Want Boing Boing Day!
April 10, 2025 at 5:39 PM
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April 10, 2025 at 3:06 PM
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America is solidly in our, “Scream ourselves to sleep, shit ourselves awake” era.
April 4, 2025 at 8:11 PM
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the chinese century
April 4, 2025 at 8:32 PM
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sickos yes dot jpg
April 4, 2025 at 7:10 PM
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Donald Trump did a 9/11
April 4, 2025 at 6:23 PM
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so... sorry, just one quick follow-up...
April 3, 2025 at 6:24 PM
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The Wii Shop music playing while an entire chat spams “DROP THE PRICE” is killing me.
April 4, 2025 at 5:15 PM
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russell brand not having already been charged with rape and sexual assault before now is this generations Berenstain Bears
LONDON (AP) — UK police charge comedian Russell Brand with rape and sexual assault.
April 4, 2025 at 4:21 PM
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the american belief in how free america is relative to other places is so ingrained and so incorrect
April 4, 2025 at 5:19 PM
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miyamoto can make history happen in weeks if he says bloodborne 2 is $150 for americans due to tariffs
April 4, 2025 at 6:50 AM
CHAT IS THIS GOOD
April 4, 2025 at 4:07 PM
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$1.5 trillion in value has been erased from the stock market so far today.
April 4, 2025 at 2:13 PM
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April 4, 2025 at 2:35 PM
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wokeness was keeping the economy afloat. wokeness kept planes in the air. wokeness kept us all safe
Wall Street bets discord is so goddamn funny right now
April 4, 2025 at 1:08 PM
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i like that when the stock market collapses money just vanishes into thin air. wish someone could do that with my student loan debt
April 4, 2025 at 1:35 PM
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Official Statement: Miles 'Tails' Prower
April 1, 2025 at 8:26 PM
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during grummz time at blizzard, red 5, and his time when he was supposed to be working on em8er and to 3 days ago, he’s living a second life

here are all the details with the archival evidence + more

timeline video:
Goonernomicon: Grummz | Part 1
YouTube video by MLYP
youtu.be
March 30, 2025 at 4:43 AM
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I'm Kat Abughazaleh and I'm running for Congress.
March 24, 2025 at 1:30 PM