Patrick Hastie
@patrickhastie.bsky.social
Comedian.
Buy My Album on Bandcamp: https://shorturl.at/eiuM9
Watch My Special:
https://youtu.be/H5JsAYvn6Nc?si=BdApQhRVvkI_SoPA
Website: http://patrickhastie.com/
Buy My Album on Bandcamp: https://shorturl.at/eiuM9
Watch My Special:
https://youtu.be/H5JsAYvn6Nc?si=BdApQhRVvkI_SoPA
Website: http://patrickhastie.com/
Trump famously saying, "I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and fuck a couple underage girls while simultaneously sucking Bill Clinton's cock and draining his balls and I wouldn't lose any voters" hits a lot different now.
November 15, 2025 at 7:19 PM
Trump famously saying, "I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and fuck a couple underage girls while simultaneously sucking Bill Clinton's cock and draining his balls and I wouldn't lose any voters" hits a lot different now.
This fucking cop.
November 15, 2025 at 6:42 PM
This fucking cop.
Aaron Rodgers at home after the game, having a nice evening with his new wife.
November 10, 2025 at 9:35 PM
Aaron Rodgers at home after the game, having a nice evening with his new wife.
If only Schumer had pushed his wedding up 20 years, 11 months, and 21 days.
November 10, 2025 at 7:04 PM
If only Schumer had pushed his wedding up 20 years, 11 months, and 21 days.
Albert Woolson, a Civil War veteran, died in 1956. Mitch McConnell was in high school at the time.
November 7, 2025 at 7:32 PM
Albert Woolson, a Civil War veteran, died in 1956. Mitch McConnell was in high school at the time.
My only goal for the rest of 2025 is to bridge the gap between NFL fans and #booktok / #smuttok to get fan fic and horny erotica written about how in 2022 Sam Darnold and Baker Mayfield fell madly in love in Carolina and when they fucked, it unlocked their full potential.
November 7, 2025 at 7:01 PM
My latest for the New York Times
November 7, 2025 at 5:34 PM
My latest for the New York Times
My friend was bitching about how annoying it is having a brain tumor and so I said, "dude, you're letting that shit live rent free in your head", but he didn't think that was a funny joke for me to make, so he chucked a glass ashtray at my face, and now we BOTH have headaches.
November 7, 2025 at 8:07 AM
My friend was bitching about how annoying it is having a brain tumor and so I said, "dude, you're letting that shit live rent free in your head", but he didn't think that was a funny joke for me to make, so he chucked a glass ashtray at my face, and now we BOTH have headaches.
I could have easily been a nepotism hire on the kill floor of the the slaughter house my Dad worked at in the 90s, but I decided to make my own way by getting a job at Pizza Hut.
November 7, 2025 at 2:41 AM
I could have easily been a nepotism hire on the kill floor of the the slaughter house my Dad worked at in the 90s, but I decided to make my own way by getting a job at Pizza Hut.
Some dumb motherfucker told me Curtis Silwa didn't win. When you get shot five times in a stolen yellow cab in 1992 by some hit men hired by John Gotti Jr, and live, then brother, every single day is a win.
November 5, 2025 at 8:04 AM
Some dumb motherfucker told me Curtis Silwa didn't win. When you get shot five times in a stolen yellow cab in 1992 by some hit men hired by John Gotti Jr, and live, then brother, every single day is a win.
Watching Andrew Cuomo get his ass beat by Mamdani a second time is so fucking funny.
November 5, 2025 at 4:09 AM
Watching Andrew Cuomo get his ass beat by Mamdani a second time is so fucking funny.
Andrew Cuomo is a fucking chump.
November 5, 2025 at 3:48 AM
Andrew Cuomo is a fucking chump.
Stephen King wrote books called "The RUNning Man", "The Long WALK", and "The STAND". I think I am gonna send him an email and ask if he ever wishes he had called the clown book "Sit" instead of "It". Maybe it's not too late? How much could an S cost?
November 4, 2025 at 9:02 PM
Stephen King wrote books called "The RUNning Man", "The Long WALK", and "The STAND". I think I am gonna send him an email and ask if he ever wishes he had called the clown book "Sit" instead of "It". Maybe it's not too late? How much could an S cost?
Dick Cheney has passed away. He was my best friend. He died peacefully after a pregnant mole slipped inside his pee hole, scurried up his urethra, and gave birth to 6 pups in his prostate gland. Over the next 10 weeks, Momma Mole and her babies fed on his entrails, eating him from the inside out. 😥
November 4, 2025 at 5:07 PM
Dick Cheney has passed away. He was my best friend. He died peacefully after a pregnant mole slipped inside his pee hole, scurried up his urethra, and gave birth to 6 pups in his prostate gland. Over the next 10 weeks, Momma Mole and her babies fed on his entrails, eating him from the inside out. 😥
Getting laid is awesome.
Getting off is awesome.
But getting laid off sucks shit?
Sounds fucky to me.
Getting off is awesome.
But getting laid off sucks shit?
Sounds fucky to me.
November 4, 2025 at 4:01 PM
Getting laid is awesome.
Getting off is awesome.
But getting laid off sucks shit?
Sounds fucky to me.
Getting off is awesome.
But getting laid off sucks shit?
Sounds fucky to me.
✔️ Camo backpack
✔️ Horrific goatee
✔️ Ugly ass jean jacket
✔️ Under Armour Shoes
✔️ Pittsburgh Penguins hat
✔️ New York Islanders shirt
Ladies and gentlemen, we got us an undercover cop on the train!
✔️ Horrific goatee
✔️ Ugly ass jean jacket
✔️ Under Armour Shoes
✔️ Pittsburgh Penguins hat
✔️ New York Islanders shirt
Ladies and gentlemen, we got us an undercover cop on the train!
October 23, 2025 at 10:49 PM
✔️ Camo backpack
✔️ Horrific goatee
✔️ Ugly ass jean jacket
✔️ Under Armour Shoes
✔️ Pittsburgh Penguins hat
✔️ New York Islanders shirt
Ladies and gentlemen, we got us an undercover cop on the train!
✔️ Horrific goatee
✔️ Ugly ass jean jacket
✔️ Under Armour Shoes
✔️ Pittsburgh Penguins hat
✔️ New York Islanders shirt
Ladies and gentlemen, we got us an undercover cop on the train!
They got a John Wayne Gacy show coming out and the trailer, which I see on youtube constantly, is a clip where Gacy first picks up my cousin Tim. So that fucking sucks.
October 8, 2025 at 5:51 PM
They got a John Wayne Gacy show coming out and the trailer, which I see on youtube constantly, is a clip where Gacy first picks up my cousin Tim. So that fucking sucks.
I filled my humidifier up with promethazine and codeine syrup and now, not only can I breath better, but I can also communicate with the Gods, both old and new.
October 7, 2025 at 3:46 PM
I filled my humidifier up with promethazine and codeine syrup and now, not only can I breath better, but I can also communicate with the Gods, both old and new.
what does it all mean?
October 6, 2025 at 6:36 PM
what does it all mean?
I love this Teenage Jason Isbell clone they got on this Wayward show on Netflix.
October 6, 2025 at 12:19 AM
I love this Teenage Jason Isbell clone they got on this Wayward show on Netflix.
One Battle After Another ruled.
October 3, 2025 at 11:25 PM
One Battle After Another ruled.
This is what these fucking assholes deserve. Comeuppance. Dude felt completely safe and untouchable. Well, now he has experienced, probably for the first time in his life, a sense of consequences. Inaction and decorum and taking the high road just leads to emboldening.
University of Washington - Piece of shit disrupts Psych 210 (The Diversity of Human Sexuality) throwing up nazi salutes, yelling Heil Hitler, and calling everyone “retarded degenerates” and “fags"
The professor, Dr. Nicole McNichols, and her class
👏DO
👏NOT
👏PLAY
👏THAT
👏GAME
The professor, Dr. Nicole McNichols, and her class
👏DO
👏NOT
👏PLAY
👏THAT
👏GAME
October 2, 2025 at 5:18 PM
This is what these fucking assholes deserve. Comeuppance. Dude felt completely safe and untouchable. Well, now he has experienced, probably for the first time in his life, a sense of consequences. Inaction and decorum and taking the high road just leads to emboldening.
We talk a lot about how AI is bad, but personally I think we should talk about it a lot more.
October 1, 2025 at 4:00 PM
We talk a lot about how AI is bad, but personally I think we should talk about it a lot more.
Ezra Klein is right! The Democratic party has room for pro-life candidates! It has room for homophobic candidates! It has room for racist candidates! It has room for antisemitic candidates! It has room for conservative candidates! It has room for Republican candidates! It has room for alt-right cand
September 30, 2025 at 6:45 PM
Ezra Klein is right! The Democratic party has room for pro-life candidates! It has room for homophobic candidates! It has room for racist candidates! It has room for antisemitic candidates! It has room for conservative candidates! It has room for Republican candidates! It has room for alt-right cand
Ned Fulmer should give Ezra Klein some advice on how to appear more likeable and less cringey in longform interviews.
September 30, 2025 at 6:26 PM
Ned Fulmer should give Ezra Klein some advice on how to appear more likeable and less cringey in longform interviews.