I fed the dogs a bunch of old receipts this morning and whatever numbers I see in their poop tonight is gonna be my power ball ticket numbers
September 6, 2025 at 10:39 PM
I fed the dogs a bunch of old receipts this morning and whatever numbers I see in their poop tonight is gonna be my power ball ticket numbers
Why the fuck do Pam and all the others from the progressive ads wear aprons
June 2, 2025 at 12:39 AM
Why the fuck do Pam and all the others from the progressive ads wear aprons
Eating nothing but produce stickers so I can shit out a cryptogram
May 12, 2025 at 9:26 PM
Eating nothing but produce stickers so I can shit out a cryptogram
The statute of limitations is weird. It’s like the law of quit living in the past
May 10, 2025 at 8:01 PM
The statute of limitations is weird. It’s like the law of quit living in the past
If it met Kanye I’d ask him if he wants any lasagne but prononuce it like Kanye over and over until he beat me to death
April 9, 2025 at 6:05 PM
If it met Kanye I’d ask him if he wants any lasagne but prononuce it like Kanye over and over until he beat me to death
Must suck when a cow gets nauseous like which one of my four stomachs hurt
February 25, 2025 at 7:25 PM
Must suck when a cow gets nauseous like which one of my four stomachs hurt
I really pinpointed the type of ADHD I have today. I was refilling my water bottle with the brita and got distracted by a ding sound the cap made when put it down on the table.
February 25, 2025 at 6:57 PM
I really pinpointed the type of ADHD I have today. I was refilling my water bottle with the brita and got distracted by a ding sound the cap made when put it down on the table.
What the fuck is this
February 22, 2025 at 11:02 PM
What the fuck is this
Reposted by Markydoodoo
one time I accidentally brought a pizza to a gunfight instead of a gun and we ate the pizza and resolved differences until the last slice of pizza was up for grabs and a gunfight broke out
February 12, 2025 at 10:46 AM
one time I accidentally brought a pizza to a gunfight instead of a gun and we ate the pizza and resolved differences until the last slice of pizza was up for grabs and a gunfight broke out
Everyone be quiet. My baby is finally sleeping
February 16, 2025 at 1:38 AM
Everyone be quiet. My baby is finally sleeping
I got my boss so good today I might get fired
February 13, 2025 at 12:41 AM
I got my boss so good today I might get fired
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Earn their trust. Now you know their secrets. Destroy them.
February 11, 2025 at 9:22 PM
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Earn their trust. Now you know their secrets. Destroy them.
Why should I bother?
Vote like for yes
Vote repost for no
Vote like for yes
Vote repost for no
February 6, 2025 at 2:30 AM
Why should I bother?
Vote like for yes
Vote repost for no
Vote like for yes
Vote repost for no
Oh you’ve had a rough day? I just found out i washed my hoodie without taking the used tissues out of the pockets so why don’t you just shut the fuck up
February 5, 2025 at 10:00 PM
Oh you’ve had a rough day? I just found out i washed my hoodie without taking the used tissues out of the pockets so why don’t you just shut the fuck up
Reposted by Markydoodoo
Help me seattle a bet. How hard is it to hide a city name in a sentence?
February 4, 2025 at 7:24 PM
Help me seattle a bet. How hard is it to hide a city name in a sentence?
Reposted by Markydoodoo
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
June 9, 2023 at 12:41 PM
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Bitch get over here and gob on this stob
February 4, 2025 at 9:08 PM
Bitch get over here and gob on this stob
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
February 4, 2025 at 6:02 PM
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Reposted by Markydoodoo
[cookie monster quietly to himself just before going on camera]
it's just a job it's just a job it's just a job
[camera rolls]
(deep sigh) ME WANT COOKIE
it's just a job it's just a job it's just a job
[camera rolls]
(deep sigh) ME WANT COOKIE
February 1, 2025 at 4:35 PM
[cookie monster quietly to himself just before going on camera]
it's just a job it's just a job it's just a job
[camera rolls]
(deep sigh) ME WANT COOKIE
it's just a job it's just a job it's just a job
[camera rolls]
(deep sigh) ME WANT COOKIE
Reposted by Markydoodoo
the tariff trade war stuff is pretty complicated but one way you can think about it is that in this scenario the United States is basically Drake and Canada is Kendrick Lamar
February 2, 2025 at 4:27 PM
the tariff trade war stuff is pretty complicated but one way you can think about it is that in this scenario the United States is basically Drake and Canada is Kendrick Lamar
When will god finally strike me down for the wrath I have wrought from my sinister tongue? Never.
I shall chortle through his righteous stare and snarl my puns with a dauntless comportment reserved for only the most Herculean of men.
Then I jerk the ween.
I shall chortle through his righteous stare and snarl my puns with a dauntless comportment reserved for only the most Herculean of men.
Then I jerk the ween.
January 29, 2025 at 11:39 PM
When will god finally strike me down for the wrath I have wrought from my sinister tongue? Never.
I shall chortle through his righteous stare and snarl my puns with a dauntless comportment reserved for only the most Herculean of men.
Then I jerk the ween.
I shall chortle through his righteous stare and snarl my puns with a dauntless comportment reserved for only the most Herculean of men.
Then I jerk the ween.
Back in my day we jerked the ween and were PROUD
January 29, 2025 at 10:30 PM
Back in my day we jerked the ween and were PROUD
Reposted by Markydoodoo
Friends, the time has come for me to hand the reins of Riverbend Candies to my grandson, Brangon. He consumes only a beige powder and spends so much time masturbating that we had to pay for a special surgery to "De-Noodle" his penis. He has some great ideas about how to make money with the computer
January 29, 2025 at 9:22 PM
Friends, the time has come for me to hand the reins of Riverbend Candies to my grandson, Brangon. He consumes only a beige powder and spends so much time masturbating that we had to pay for a special surgery to "De-Noodle" his penis. He has some great ideas about how to make money with the computer
ME: I sure hope it comes out red this time
PHLEBOTOMIST: what
PHLEBOTOMIST: what
January 29, 2025 at 8:36 PM
ME: I sure hope it comes out red this time
PHLEBOTOMIST: what
PHLEBOTOMIST: what
the inventor of mad libs has died. his funeral well be held at buttface church at penis in the afternoon. in lieu of flowers, please make a donation to the poop foundation
January 29, 2025 at 8:29 PM
the inventor of mad libs has died. his funeral well be held at buttface church at penis in the afternoon. in lieu of flowers, please make a donation to the poop foundation