SILVER SPRING, MD—Praising the drug’s ability to quickly and effectively increase fatalities amongst the nation’s opioid users, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new nasal spray Wednesd...

NEW YORK—Noting that their youth would likely be a major factor in determining the outcome of Puppy Bowl XV, analysts noted Sunday that the inexperienced players on Team Ruff still hadn’t opened their eyes yet. “It’s hard to see how Team Ruff is going to be able to compete with Team Fluff given that its puppies lack experience seeing or hearing since their eyes and ears are still sealed,” said play-by-play announcer Scott Graham, adding that the puppies on Team Ruff were at a further disadvantage because they’d only had a few days since their birth to prepare for the game. “It’s difficult to win a football game when you’re incapable of standing or walking yet. Most of these little pups can barely lift their heads. Sure, they’re young and they’re hungry, but Team Fluff has a definite advantage in having dogs with a full command of their mobility and senses. But even if they don’t win the championship, this game is going to offer the puppies on Team Ruff some valuable experience in trying to urinate or defecate on their own.” At press time, the outlook for the inexperienced Team Ruff had decreased even further after the newborn puppies’ mother ate most of the litter at halftime.